It's Been a Good Year...

Time flew fast.

Who would have thought that it has already been a year since I started the project for Park Jungsu?

I, myself, never thought I could last that long.

But I guess the motivation stayed and I'm just glad to have been part of World Vision for a year now. It feels good to know that Jolito, Jungsu's foster kid, is enjoying his childhood and is able to go to school because of the contribution I send monthly. 

No, I'm not trying to flaunt.

I just want you all to know how fulfilling it is so you may do it as well.

Jungsu's enlisting to the army in a few days.

And I wish that when he gets back with us after two long years, he would know that someone has managed to live a better life because of him. 

Coming Close to the Beginning of an And

I feel so superficial. After a long time of neglecting this site, here I am again, writing about something so sensitive - one thing which I have long dreaded to talk about. While many think that it's absurd of me to do this since I tagged myself as a disloyal fan, I will still go on with what I want to say about Park Jungsu's enlistment.

I've always said that I will never be ready for the time when Jungsu has to enlist. I feared the day that we have to say farewell temporarily to the person who I have loved for so long. This is because I hated separations. I hate having to say goodbye.

But everything is inevitable. I have always known that sooner of later, Jungsu would have to leave for service. I would have to face the fact that I'm not gonna see him with the group for two years, especially since I have the inkling that he will enlist as a soldier. Much to my despair, news about the issue began to spread and I had no other choice but to avoid the pain. So my system had to resort to its ultimate defense: DISTANCE.

I decided to distance myself from Jungsu and the rest of Super Junior. That's how I found the other groups which I stanned. You see, I needed distractions because the pain was eating me up. Putting it simply, I decided to say goodbye before they do. 

To those wondering, it wasn't an easy decision. Park Jungsu is a huge part of my life for so many years and I would never forget just how much help his inspiration had provided me. I may look like I'm over him totally, but why would I deny the fact that I'm not? Even if I want to get away from this man for real, I just can't. I really can't.

That is why when I learned he was fixing his enlistment date already, I felt divided. A part of me wanted to go back but the other half prevailed. I actually pushed him away more.

Ridiculous, right? I thought I would end up really out of his shadow; but I woke up one day only to find out that the road I took actually led to him too. 

By pushing him away, I got to see things from an ordinary fan's perspective. That's when I realized that there is no point on getting depressed over his enlistment because two years fly fast. More so, why should I cry and mull over something that I should have or had always expected to happen? Was there a need to contradict destiny? Could we even do that, to begin with?

Two years is two years,  know. I can totally understand that it hurts to be away from someone you've gotten used to always be there. It sucks to wait. 

But is this how Jungsu wants us all to be?

Perhaps, yes; but I think that what he needs more is the assurance that we will still be here when he comes back. He had always feared that he'll be forgotten while he's in the army, so I wanted to focus on that aspect, than to mope around because he's leaving. Like how he always say: It's not an end. It's an and.

On October 30, he's gonna enlist (FINALLY). It's finally the start of his 2-year journey as an ordinary Korean. I honestly don't know what to feel at the moment. But if I have to name one emotion. I'll choose the fact that I FEEL PROUD.

Serving the army constitutes a lot of courage and valor; and I just feel happy that Jungsu chose to be a soldier despite his injuries. I feel proud that he's finally ready to face this course of his destiny. Fear might still be overwhelming but I trust his convictions enough to know that he's gonna go through it perfectly.

I still can't tell though if I would want to hear news or see pictures of his enlistment. I know I've been through this with Kangin and Heechul, but you see, Jungsu is different. He is Leeteuk, after all. 

*sigh*

Jungsu had always stayed strong. And I guess I want to do the same for him.

I'm keeping my promise. I'm sticking with you. I've gone back home just in time before you leave. I'm not letting go. 

I will wait for you. 

Army Thing... Jungsu?

So it's time, huh?

Maybe I was just too busy, or maybe I really ended up not paying attention.. But obviously, time flew fast and in a few days, it's gonna be September. And you know what this month is well-anticipated for? Park Jungsu's enlistment.

I don't really know what to feel. I have kept my distance in hope that this would not hurt as much as it would; and frankly speaking, I think I did a good job. I have to admit that a part of me doesn't want to care anymore...

Truth be told, I think Jungsu's enlistment would just like Heechul's. He had been through a severe accident in 2007 so I doubt they would let him enter the army as a soldier. Although I have this thought that Jungsu would indeed prefer to serve the military as a soldier than a public servant, I still believe that there is this huge possibility that the leader would just end up within the reach of the admiring public.

So that is the reason why I couldn't feel so despaired anymore, as opposed to how I thought I would be, way back in the past.

However, I guess it's not wrong to admit that his enlistment does affect me.

I know Super Junior would still do well, and they would all be okay - even without Jungsu by their sides. The legacy would continue because the remaining members are equipped and blessed with the capabilities to retain the popularity and success of the group.

But to be honest, I couldn't imagine Super Junior without the leader. Although we've experienced this twice already and we even lost another member before, it's different when it's Park Jungsu. And it's not just because I'm a stan...

It's because the leader plays a very integral role in maintaining utmost harmony among everyone. He has the power to impose whatever with just a stare, a smirk, a smile, a laughter, or some words. Jungsu has that influence which nobody among Super Junior could equate.

Most importantly, I couldn't imagine myself having no one to troll this much. lmao.

No seriously, I somehow feel sad that he's finally enlisting. But dude, I'm seeing the brighter side. I've pushed him to the army, right? After two years (which will certainly fly fast), I will start pushing him to get married.

Hehehe.

Are We Nearing Goodbye?

Truth be told, I don't feel any excitement about the 6jib. Don't get me wrong though. It's just that I feel it was  so rushed, I wasn't even able to prepare.

But the comeback is actually far from my real concerns when it comes to Super Junior. My attention is really on the fact that we're really getting there.

Park Jungsu is really entering the army soon.

Honestly? I don't know what to feel. But I think I'll be fine. I've stayed away long enough to test myself and I realized that I'll be able to get through it.

I think I really have to tell it here (although not many would really care).

When I got my Mr. Simple and as I listen to all the tracks, one particular struck me like lightning: My Love, My Kiss, My Heart. I didn't really look for its translation but as music never fails to find its way to me, I had the inkling of what that song was trying to say: Goodbye.


I can still remember how I talked to Danica that night, crying as I type the words I've always dreaded to say. The 5JIB presented itself to me in a deeper manner. It's more than just being the fifth album of Super Junior. It's more than just new songs.

To me, the Mr. Simple album was like a subliminal instrument to tell me, and all of us in this fandom, that they're about to take their own paths, quite far from us.

Since then, I have forced myself not to pay too much attention anymore. Since then, I built walls around my fragile heart. Because as everyone knows and as how I've always pointed out, I am weak when it comes to parting. I realized then that I have to get myself used to not being with them, so that when the time comes, I wouldn't have to hurt so much.

Because no matter how much I try to deny, it will hurt like hell if Jungsu leaves.

That's when I focused my attention on other groups... So now that 6JIB is about to be released, I feel like I'm starting to get lost again. Honestly, I am torn between just keeping the distance or going back to the place which I've missed so much but fear a lot.

*facepalm*