Fearing Love

Just a while ago, my friend broke up with her girlfriend because of some misunderstandings. It was like the fifth time already and somehow, it is the worst case between them. I don’t want to detail everything but one thing is for sure. I got affected.

Why is it that everytime I try to open my heart to love, instances like this come up. It’s like it’s always proving me otherwise when I am ready to believe. I do not want to think that what happened to them will apply to me as well but I can’t help but realize that there is a possibility.

The fear is haunting me. Different what ifs are clouding my mind and I can’t help but see the negative sides of it all. Because the truth is, I can’t see anything good about it.

Somehow, I wish that there’ll be real things to prove to me that love really can exist. I’m too fed up with the surreal dramas and movies I see. I wish I get to see what love is actually, or better yet, I wish I could pay attention to it.

Stare at the Sky.

Some things don’t last. The more you believe that everything’s gonna be fine, the harder it is to accept that fate presents the opposite.

And you’ve got nothing left to do but stare at the sky, figure out what happen for yourself, stop the tears from falling and pray to God that everything turns out right in no time.

Because the pain is just too unbearable. Because the pain’s too much to handle.

I have said how I feel. I’m currently inside an illusion I can’t escape. I’ve risked myself in this thing called LOVE. And now I’m hurting, again.

Things aren’t working. God has been telling me to let go for the past two years but I don’t know if there’s a reason for this or I’m just too stupid not to recognize that it is God indeed who’s talking to me. Am I too occupied with the thought that I am in love?

As I felt so like an angel a few days ago, I feel so deprived today. The admitting part has gone by easily. I did it without sweat. But words are just too playful. They were meant to just fool me. I was fooled by my emotions. And so I am hurting.

The whole day, I spent it trying to figure out what’s wrong. As I write this article, the answer came to me. I can never insist something that isn’t destined to be mine. Yeah, after all, destiny exists. It is real. It is happening.

And I can’t accept it.

I wish it’s morning now. So I may see the sky, so the sun may shine on me. I cannot be more than anything else I’ve been now. I’m so locked up with who I was when I was still in his embrace. Too mushy as it is, I won’t say lies.

I am asking God for constant guidance. I’m nobody without Him. He is my guide on what I should do to make things flow smoothly and clearly. And to this questions I have in my heart and my mind, find the answers from the sky.

Who knows? It might come down falling.

A Real Love.

I AM IN LOVE. ♥

And I’m not daydreaming nor am I just trying to bring up an issue. I am seriously in love. ♥ And I feel sooo LIKE AN ANGEL today. ^^

I honestly missed this feeling. You know, the inspiration… It isn’t everyday that I get to meet and see a man who would always enlighten my day and would always give me reason to smile amidst all the hardships each day gives.

He isn’t perfect. He isn’t as beautiful as any Super Junior members. He’s no match when compared to Leeteuk (for of course, the angel is incomparable). But I love him, with all my heart, with all of me.

He is my shock absorber, my anti-depressant, my stress reliever, myhappiness, my security, my life, my everything. And though we couldn’t have the chance to talk about what we really are, I know he feels that he means this much to me.

Yeah, we’re not together.  And I’m not stupid not to admit that I’m hoping for something to start between us. But I’m happy and contented with what we have now. We need not to say how much we love each other because we feel it already.

We don’t talk about it. I have no plans of bringing it up to him. But I just want to share my thoughts. And just in case he’ll pass by this entry, then he will understand that I don’t long for anything. I just want to love him with all of me. :)

And everything’s enough. (“-_-)

My World that is Sapphire Blue

I have a theory. A person does not have a single world. He has, like, multiple lives to live in multiple worlds that he’s in. And those worlds, they get destroyed.  They explode like stars. They never last. But it goes along the fact that as there are explosions, there are formations too. Worlds are created on the time that some fades. Random? No. You just have to think deeper to understand.

You see, I have just been broken. The thing called “LOVE” failed me for the nth time. Sure thing, you can laugh at me for being so emotional but there will be one point on this entry that you’ll agree with me, I know. 

Amidst all the pain, I can still smile. It’s no wonder. I’ve got a world of my own. I’ve got a place to go to where I am a princess, where everything’s mine, where I can be happy. I’ve got my paradise, my haven – a place so far from pain, a place which does not include him. And hey, I’ve got lots of other worlds too.

I could cry now. I could weep all night and plan how to get him back. But I wouldn’t. First, it’s because it’s his choice and I wouldn’t interfere with his happiness. Second, I’m too tired to do so AGAIN. And above it all, the truth is: even though I am hurting, I can be happy on my own. I realized that I’ve got a life to live – a life he can never control, a life so invincible. 

Yes, I’m still praying that things will turn out right. I am not stupid to admit that I want him back but let time heal all wounds. I don’t believe in destiny, but I’m too tired to insist my favored ending of this story. Besides, it’s too early to decide on the conclusion of our story. I’m just letting God decide. I’m giving up my free will. He’s the greatest novelist, and I know He’s writing the best love story for me. 

For now, I am restless but I’m okay. I’m enjoying the world I’m in. This is the world that is Sapphire Blue, a world where magic rhymes with majesty; a world where nothing could hurt me; a world that is mine… 

A world with Super Junior.