Homecoming

Photo from SM Entertainment

The year 2013 was the last time Super Junior set foot in the Philippines to hold a solo concert. It was a long-wait, and admittedly, most have outgrown the group. Many left the fandom for their education, career, relationships and families; and it’s an inevitable choice that people sometimes have to make: priorities.

Five years later, who would have known that these people who thought they’ve already graduated from this kind of phase in their lives, will suddenly realize that in just a little more than a month, it’s time to come home again.

I have to admit. There were no expectations or whatsoever about this concert. I honestly promised myself that I would just come there and enjoy, and then leave afterwards, since I need to focus on my work, business, and some other projects I am currently working on. You see, I thought Super Junior has already turned into a mere entertainment, distraction from my real life. Like all others, I thought I am way past my eighteen-year-old self already. I thought of just selling my ticket, to be honest. At 29, I thought my priorities had changed; and this is just nothing more like a trip down the memory lane.

But for the nth time, Super Junior had proven me wrong.

On the eve of the concert, I couldn’t sleep. Friends from Indonesia and Davao were flying in to Manila and I dwelled on the idea that I just wanted to keep track on them. But later on, I unexpectedly realized that the excitement means more. You know that feeling during the eve of your elementary field trip, a family outing, or your birthday party? That was basically how I felt that night. In the midst of believing that excitement is now how we feel when we’re off to travel, or we’re going on dates, or it’s already a few minutes before you clock out from work, that night brought me to a child’s definition of excitement. It was unexpectedly precious.

The sun rose and I went to Manila early because I had to do some sort of tour guide duties for my Indonesian friend. As we go around Intramuros, I felt so nostalgic not because I used to study there, but because never in my whole life did I see myself walking around the city with foreigners I met through Twitter on 2009. I mean, talking about Asian history and Philippine and Indonesian laws is what adults do, right? But we did that while waiting for the time when we would have to go to the venue for the concert. 

When we arrived at the concert hall, the first thing I did was meet up with my old friends from Davao and Laguna. And then I went to where TeukAngels were and then, the more I was brought to deeper realizations.

Talking to Aya, Jen, and Shane while distributing flyers for Teuk’s birthday was like the biggest reality check for me. The reminiscing was real. All the stories from the past, all the people we met, and all the new fans who introduced themselves to us that day, convinced me that God didn’t just bring me there to watch a concert. I was brought there to remind myself to live and love again.

Remembering everything I told Shane and Aya that afternoon, I can’t help but feel proud of myself. I can’t help but realize how matured we became, talking about things like depression, anxiety, and relationships. These seemed too simple; but back in the days, we wouldn’t even know what to say when things like this come up. We used to care only for ourselves and how we can create a mark on Jungsu and Super Junior. Suddenly, we understood people more. Now, it’s all about caring for each other; and rather than competing for the boys to believe that we are the best fans ever, we were now more focused on convincing them that even after a long time of absence, they still have a strong fan base in the Philippines.

The concert started a bit late, making me feel anxious and a little disheartened. But when I finally got to enter the venue with Regene, the very friend who was with me on Super Show 2 in 2010, my emotions were all over the place. I saw myself just staring in awe at the people around me, hearing their deafening cheers and watching them wave their blue light sticks. It was a scene I never thought I have missed so much.

And then that’s when I realized that finally, I am home.

After the concert, it was a pandemonium inside me. Two and half hours passed by so quickly that I felt like it didn’t happen. But I know it did because my heart felt so full.

I went out of the venue in a trance. If not for Aya screaming my name, I wouldn’t have known where to go. I just knew I had to bring Sai and Asha back to their hotel but I didn’t really know how. My mind was blank, as if it wouldn’t process anything that involves the fact that I have to leave the venue.

Now that I think about it, the difficulty to book a taxi is perhaps a blessing; because while waiting for the Grab app to work, I had my most favourite post-concert moment with Aya.

While watching people in a rush and while staring at the moonlit sky above, Aya and I were just sitting on the stair steps in front of the venue entrance when I suddenly heard myself telling her that I don’t want to leave the place yet. I said I wanted to savour the moment that I’m there while the boys are still inside and my friends are everywhere. Because during the whole time I was there, I felt infinitely safe, like nothing hurts. I felt like finally, after so many years, I’ve come home to where I really belong.

And for the first time in five years, I can confidently say that I am okay.

When I was younger, I ran this blog with articles saying how much impact Super Junior has made in my life. I kept on talking about how they are like miracles and blessings, and all good things to me; and I thought I have experienced everything they can give. But Super Show 7 in Manila convinced me that like how they are in everything else, they will consistently exceed my expectations.

Because this time, they do not just provide me with an escape. They have indeed molded my world into something I can totally be proud of; and I have just noticed that during the concert. 

Starting from when I reunited with my friends, it was already a proof of how these boys contributed immensely to my life. Because of Super Junior, we broke the stigma towards the internet, saying that no authentic relationship will ever bud out from it. But look what we have now? A family.

And as I watch the concert with them, I can't help but be more emotional. Because if you're there, you will also feel that it wasn't just a show. It was a sincere homecoming for everyone.

Right now, my heart is still full. Looking back at the years spent with and without Super Junior, I sincerely wish that every new fan today will get to experience the miracle brought by these boys. I hope that whatever blessing we have received by loving them unconditionally be given to you too. Because even though a lot of people would say that we’re weird for loving guys who wouldn’t even know who we are, trust us when we say that it doesn’t really matter because our love for each other will always be stronger, and enough to hold us tight together.

And then when another set of years pass by, it will be your turn to realize how Super Junior and this fandom will always be ready to welcome you home. 

HONESTY HOUR.

I wanted to leave the fandom. I wanted to stay away from the immature and bratty fans that are now overtaking our world. I wanted to just lock up myself and be deprived of everything. I wanted to find myself. I wanted to be someone else that does not concern Super Junior and its fans. I wanted to be someone ordinary...

...I wanted.


PAST TENSE.

credit as tagged

True, I found another group to stan that's why I felt like I'm drifting away from the boys. But as I saw the picture above, I was brought back to my senses. I realized that whatever happens, these boys will always be my babies and this Sapphire Blue World will always be where I belong. To hell with the people who keep on ruining the name of this fandom.

On Feb. 16, we'll be flying to Singapore to watch Super Show 4 there on the 18th. No, I'm not boasting. But I just want to let everyone know that I'm on my way back home...

See you, Super Junior.

I missed you a lot.

Rain Gods' Destinies

As expected SUPER SHOW with Rain! - @siwon407

You know what?

I think it's not a secret anymore that in most of their concerts overseas, it rains. Hence, their tag as 'RAIN GODS'. I don't know why. Sometimes, I wanna kick them all to Africa or where there is intense drought. Often, I laugh it all off saying such things happen by chance... But come to think of it, I think everything's happening for a reason.

Maybe I'm just being superstitious and I guess it comes along with being a Filipino... But you see, rain symbolizes blessings. In my country, even if we end up being flooded all the time, people believe that rain means blessing. I think we're not the only race believing on that.

So yes, it just fortifies my belief that Super Junior's popularity is fated. It's not just by chance that they are on top, and I mean it. They are destined to be the number 1 group in the world, and the years of ups and downs which we've spent together with them are enough proofs for that claim.

It's not that I'm being biased and all. Honestly, I have another group I fell in love with and I'm kinda missing a lot on Super Junior-related issues nowadays; but I guess, this belief of mine is one thing that will never change. Even though a lot of groups debut and decide to overthrow Super Junior in my heart, I will forever believe that this fifteen men (YES, FIFTEEN.) are still and will always be the number one.

:>

SJ, Number 1.

Not many paid attention but there are some people who noticed that I actually closed this blog. It was an impulsive decision triggered by something that hurt my ego as a fan. I wouldn’t want to dwell on it anymore since it’s done and I’m finally being convinced of the possible excuses why it happened; so once again, here I am, enjoying the space I have especially intended for me and my angels.

It is not a secret that Super Junior had won the Disk Daesang in the recently concluded Golden Disk Awards in Osaka; and this is something that we’ve all been praying for. I’ve seen how each one of us exerted effort to buy the albums, vote on polls, and campaign for this group’s popularity. Well, obviously it paid off. We won.

Yes, I used the term ‘we’ because this is a combined effort of Super Junior and ELF. As we usually say, it is only on each other that we depend on, and I think we have once again proven the world that as long as we have each other, we can conquer everything.

There were no livestreaming and my internet was fucked up that night so I couldn’t properly spazz but I think it will be underrated to say that I trembled, I got anxious, I got nervous, and I got excited about the results. Although I was kinda confident that they will win, I couldn’t remove the possibility of result manipulations again. We all know the story, and before you accuse me of bashing other groups, I am telling you that I am merely stating the truth.

When I knew that they won, I suddenly remembered myself last year. I was crying, mumbling sorry to myself, hoping that the wind would deliver my sincere apologies to Super Junior members who I know were terribly disappointed. That night, I looked for someone to blame and I ended up blaming myself and the others for not trying hard enough. It was absurd, of course, but I took this fandom in a very serious manner – so serious that their disappointments have become my disappointments too. Even double.

Then I wrote an article entitled Sorry, SJ, Sorry. An excerpt from it circulated around the internet and this is what it said:

Jungsoo wanted to be congratulated by the end of the year.

This is Heechul’s birthday wish.

It could’ve been a good compensation when Yesung didn’t win a Digital Bonsang.

And yes guys, this could have been the best keepsake we can give Jungsu and Heechul before they enter the army.

But we couldn’t.

And you know what makes me cry harder?

It’s the fact that this would be the best news to give Kangin.

This could’ve been the best gift to welcome Kibum back.

And this could be the best reason to make Hangeng come back.

But now, as I reread it, I felt accomplished. I know that the Disk Daesang for 2010 was ours. It was returned to us, actually, in a form of a simple award-giving ceremony held on early 2011. But still, it felt different since our boys were announced as winners on the exact date that the awards were given.

And you know what I’m thinking?

Jungsu can now enter the army without any regrets.

This is something that could make Heenim prouder even when in service.

This is the best gift to welcome Kangin back home with.

This is the greatest reminder that Super Junior – along with Kibum and Hangeng – still exists.

And yes, this is the strongest proof that Super Junior, who are continuously being dragged down by different forces, is still standing strong.

Because at the end of the day, Super Junior will always be the group that conquered the world.

On his tweet, the leader said that if there is one thing that they do not know, it is ‘breaking up’; and ELF do not know it as well…

…Because we, together, define forever.

Super Junior: NUMBER ONE.

I guess the world doesn't need any explanations for this anymore.

Super Junior is really dominating the Philippines.

9 consecutive number ones for physical albums.

If only this would count in Hanteo. :D

Nonetheless, it's still a fact that Super Junior and Philippine ELF are at the number one spot in the country.

No pun intended. No boasting there.

Just plain truth.

And I am fucking proud.

Losing Hope on GDA?

I mean it. I no longer want to care about the GDA. Seriously. I know that there are a lot of stuff happening around and it makes me just want to focus on the fact that at the end of each day, it is not the number of trophies that would measure the greatness of my boys. It will always be the memories and inspiration they have successfully engraved in the hearts of fans like us.

But as I think about this issue, I realized that I think - even for the last time - I would really have to fight for what I believe is right. Since this was already posted in SJ Market, I think there's no doubting anymore. I guess it's understandable that something is just not right. Some people are up for mischief and they are decided to drag not just Super Junior, but the whole fandom, down.

I know it's too early to conclude; but considering what happened on 2010, I would never cease to assume. My heart and mind are both enraged. This is not what Super Junior deserved. Based on how I see it, we are being deprived of the things we know we should receive, and we are becoming the underdogs in the story.

Yes, I don't care about the trophies. But I care about how these boys - who are working almost 24 hours a day - would feel when the chance of being the best group for the last time will be taken away from them. I would never ever let anyone ruin the name and reputation of a group who reached the top mostly on their own.

I don't know what kind of actions Korean ELF will do about this. As an international fan, I could only provide support them; and make people understand that there really is something wrong. No, I'm not involving any other group. I just want everyone to see what might really be happening.

And I wish the issue isn't real. I really wish.

Beyond Whatever for the Love of Super Junior

I've got to be honest. I wasn't expecting anything but I was terribly annoyed when Super Junior didn't even come out in the list of the nominees for Song of the Year and Artist of the Year. Fine, don't give the boys the award but scratching them off the list when everybody knows that they should be there is just damn beyond annoying, infuriating, and insulting.

But when they got the Album of the Year, I knew that I have to let this pass - no matter how difficult it is.

And yes, it was Jungsu's speech that made me calm down.

"Even when nobody acknowledges us; even when nobody wants to give us a hand... To the ones that made us the best, the world's very best fan club, ELF."

TRANS: MinnieBlues

When he said that, I was brought back to my senses. And I realized that at the end of each day, it's not these Mnet, GDA, MelOn, or any award-giving body that would determine the kind of artist Super Junior is. Ate Yan was right when she said that time will come that these trophies and recognition will become irrelevant; and the one that managed to change the lives of so many people will prevail.

"Hi Singapore, we've lived through our 20's with everyone, thank you. With many difficulties, with so many things happening, the members depended on each other; also the members who are not with us - the ones watching TV right now, and the ones far away from us, I love you guys. When no one acknowledge us, no one knew us, the best fanclub who made us the best; as fans, letting us feel the 'mightiness', ELF all over the world - I thank you again. 

We, Super Junior are ugly ducklings, until the day we became swans...

...This award could be the last we receive before enlistment, it's an unforgettable awards ceremony; we will continue being a hardworking Super Junior. Thank you everybody."

- Leeteuk

TRANS: Psycho蝉儿

Then when I read Jungsu's full speech, I remembered this post in KPOPSecrets on Tumblr where the fandoms were compared. While everybody was fighting for the top spot, there is Triple S who are contented with what SS501 gives them. Through that, I was reminded of my previous posts. I was one of those people who were trying so hard to unite everyone (although to no avail) and yet, I went off-track just because Super Junior didn't win two out of five awards. (SJ's nomination is still an issue to me!)

Actually, it is difficult to accept that attempts to humiliate Super Junior are rampant. I'm not exaggerating when I said 'humiliating' because that is what I see. Many try to bring them down in order to put others on top; and I am not saying this just because I am a devoted fan. I just want to be fair.

I know I can't be like my Triple S friends who can keep calm despite everything. For a fandom that is always placed under the scorching criticisms of the world and for an idol-fans relationship that is always tested by fate, what they're doing is quite difficult to do. It's terribly distracting when it's us against the world, most of the time.

But the great compensation lies on the fact that we are battling against all these heartaches and frustrations... together. I can never be sure but when Siwon said that they're gonna give the best to us, ELF, because we deserve only the bests; I knew right then and there that we can move mountains together.

Their tears are as precious as their smiles to me. That's why when they got emotional on stage, I melted on my seat and told myself that with the remaining time I have with them, I would stop thinking of things that would just pain us all. If 'magic' would occur once again and we will be deprived of things we deserve, I'll just whine a little and probably let karma take control. Because I want to convince myself and others - as well - that since we do not know anymore what is going to happen next, then we might as well have to figure out how to make the most out of everything we have left.

"If the tears we shed when we received newcomer award were tears of grief after rising from trainees, today's tears are tears of happiness that we will be able to do better in the future."

- Leeteuk

TRANS: Heequeenting

People, life becomes more unfair when people attempt to treat everyone equally. But it is the attitude of those who are weakened that matters most. We all may have felt that Super Junior deserved those awards. But for Blackjacks, 2ne1 deserved that too. That's the course of life which I think we all forgot for a moment. Thank God for our boys that I managed to revive myself again.

What is important is that Super Junior bagged three awards: Singapore Popularity Award, Best Male Group Award, and Best Album of the Year. As some people have said, the Album of the Year is the highest award (since it's the last given) because no album would be great if the single and the artist isn't. I guess, we all just have to struggle among ourselves to accept that fact.

At the end of the day, awards wouldn't matter. So long as the boys owned the night and as long as we continuously believe in them - DESPITE EVERYTHING ELSE, it's still ours.

With them... Again.

Of course, you're everywhere.

With all the movie launches, album promotions, TV guestings, and more; of course, you're just there - doing your thing which you said you love doing the most. 

You're free. And I know that you're happy. 

What I just wish is that I become happy for you as well.

Because at the moment, it seems impossible. 

Because truth is, I miss you so much that it hurts.

I know this feeling is just triggered by a simple tumblr entry; but perhaps, that's the only thing that I've been waiting for. 

Probably, my heart is just waiting for something to its light its weak and then it'll pour out all emotions it has been keeping for so long.

Now that the 6th anniversary of the boys is coming and a major project by a major fansite will be held, it just hurts not to see your name on it anymore. The usual 13 becomes 12 and I couldn't really explain the emotions. A part of me is violently asking why your name was omitted, but a part of me is also saying that that's how it supposed to be.

Obviously, I am left in the middle of nowhere and my heart is torn. I don't know what to feel anymore.

Just recently, a news broke out saying you've withdrawn the lawsuit against your former company. And once again, you got me into a rollercoaster ride. But since it came from a very doubtful source, I couldn't be sure.  Nonetheless, should I really wish it to be true?

Fuck. I don't know what's happening with me.

I just want to see you... with them... again. 

REPOST: A Call to All ELF in the World.

It’s not always that one finds the drive to live and believe like there’s no tomorrow. It’s not everyday that one think it’s necessary to be positive. After all, life ain’t easy. But as some gives up, some strives harder – not for their own satisfaction  but for the people who are depending on them for joy.

Jungsoo, Kyuhyun and Heenim. They are all examples of people who, despite their painful past, are doing everything they can to continuously show the fans a good image and to show that they love us so much, they’d be willing to take all the risk to make us happy.

Their physical injuries are not secrets to us. We know what happened. They got involved in car accidents. Heenim’s leg was broken that he had to bed-rest for months, and just so he would still appear good on TV,

he had to bite his tongue until it bleed so as not to be unconscious. Jungsoo was showered with shattered pieces of glass requiring 170+ stitches on his back and face, and the worst of all, Kyuhyun, who had to spend three months at the ICU, with fractured bones and injured lungs, and couldn’t speak for weeks due to trauma.

What transpired on 2006 and 2007 were not pranks. Those were real accidents which almost took the lives of three of our precious boys.

After some years, look at them now. For the 4th album, Jungsoo tried hard to improve his body. Heenim is participating on all promotional activities, and Kyuhyun is with the dancing group now. All of them are working hard, disregarding their physical conditions.

I hope it’s not just me who’s seeing this but Jungsoo, Heenim, Kyuhyun and the rest of the 10 members are doing everything they can to fill the void left by Kangin, Kibum and Hangeng. They’re working hard for us not to think that there’s something missing.

I wish everyone would appreciate all the efforts the boys exert. Please. Let’s stop demanding for what isn’t there, but cherish what we still

have. I know that convincing ourselves that it’s easy is the most difficult thing ever, but we have to think about the boys. We flaunt and say we’re hurting and we want SJ back together, but have we ever thought about how the boys feel on this?

Sometimes, we become too selfish that we focus on our own welfare alone.

We become too insensitive that we fail to protect Super Junior. We forget that when we hurt about these issues, they’re hurting double.

Because it’s them who are real brothers. It’s them who have stuck together for so many years. It’s them who know each other so well. It’s them who are members of Super Junior.

I’m not trying to build a wall between ELF and Super Junior. I’m merely stating my opinions. My point here is that when we cry, they cry harder. But still they work hard to show us the positive side of things. All we have to do is look at it and appreciate.

This is a call. Now is the time when the boys need us the most. Ten left, and so what? They’re still Super Junior and they will forever be, no matter what.

Honestly, I get emotional everytime I see the three perform. I do not want their efforts to go to waste. I do not want to disappoint my boys because they never do that to me. Especially Jungsoo, who I believe shoulders on himself, all the burdens.. because he’s the leader.

So let’s show much love to them. Promote the songs, introduce them to your friends, do trial listening (it’s confirmed to count on registered accounts), buy the albums, and watch their concerts. And mostly, believe in them.

Because these are the only things that we can do to make them feel appreciated. Let’s bring them again to number 1. Because that’s where they should be. Because that is their destiny.

Even If It Takes Forever...

I know I’ll see you all again with the group.

I know that I just have to wait and soon, Jungsu’s dream to perform with all of you on stage will come true.

Nothing’s impossible if we all believe.

Though it will take so much time; Though it will require so much faith.

I will keep hanging on.

Because whatever happens, you are all parts of the world we are in.

And nothing – not even a contract, the army, or acting – can topple that truth.

빨리 돌아와요~

The Leader's Dream

credits: lee-sungmin.tumblr.com; subs: credited as tagged

I have this dream. Before I enter the military, if only 13 of us would be able to perform together once…

I had that dream.

I know this may sound so selfish considering that it should be Heenim who I should pay attention to but remembering the leader, I can’t help but hurt whenever I realize that this dream which he has been or had been dreaming for, may no longer come true.

When he said this on Radio Star, I know he was serious. I know that his words back then meant something real. I know that that was what he wanted. Because as a leader, there is nothing better than seeing the group – he has taken care of so well and dedicated his whole life to – become one again..

Even for once.

The greatest burden is on Jungsu. Just like during Kangin’s enlistment last year, it is he who should stay the strongest. Because everybody else might just be depending on him for emotional strength.

It’s a difficult phase we’re in right now. And my heart hurts for anyone who’s leaving.

But you know, it hurts more to know that disappointment may come with all these goodbyes. And especially if it’s with Jungsu, I don’t think I can ever handle it well.

If only Jungsu can enlist last… This dream would then still be possible.

It’s Almost Time.

I knew, for the whole day, that once I get a time alone, I would break down.

And now, it’s starting to knock me off.

Few more hours and Heechul will officially be on leave.

And the inevitable truth will start.

…

I knew I needed to hear something…

Something about Hangeng.

I’m Just Missing HanChul a Lot.

Okay. So apparently, the picture on the screen is Geng’s PRE-DEBUT PICTURE.

BUT IT LOOKED SO HEENIM TO ME.

Geez. Maybe I’m just missing HanChul a lot. I’ve been tweeting and writing about them like crazy and I hope you guys do understand. I know that somehow, you feel it too. I know that like me, you want to see the prince and the princess together again.

Connections. I keep finding them. Well not just me. First, it’s the necklace. And then it’s the shirt. Next, it’s the umbrella, the Youngstreet episode, then the bonnet..

and then this.

Who can blame me for wanting HanChul back again?

You know what? When Heenim referred to Geng as Super Junior Hankyung, my heart skipped a beat. It’s what I’ve been wanting to hear from Heenim. It has been a long time since he spoke about Geng and it’s just so relieving that he finally did.

Honestly, I feel like I’m gonna see them together soon. Maybe in a few weeks, in a few months, or in a few years. I don’t know. But I believe, the time will come that I’ll see them both doing fan services for us… reliving the days, reminiscing the past.

I know they’re going back to each others’ arms… And I hope I’ll get to witness that first hand. :’)