Missing Them More.

Now I have proven myself that I fell in love with X Crew not just because they’re a Super Junior cover group but due to the fact that they are really the best cover group I have ever laid my eyes upon.

Watching their fancams, spazzing alone, wishing that I get another chance to see them all again performing right before my very eyes – it defines my being a stan for this group. And I tell you, I’m sticking with it.

Nothing as really changed. X Crew is still my anti-depressants. They ease away the worries and depression in me. They free my mind from anxieties and makes me look beyond whatever fuckery is happening. They really never fail to make me realize that I am still entitled to some fun in this life.

It has been a month already since I last saw them. I haven’t been in regular contact ever since as well. I don’t know why but all of a sudden, the usual self that I am – a fan – came back. Suddenly, I feel so distant again because I’ll never be worth it to be called a ‘friend.’

*gets bricked*

No, seriously. I may appear like a bickering bitch all the time when it comes to them but really, nobody knows how much effort I exert to hide my shyness. LOL.

God, thank You for fancams.

Depressing Frustration.

It doesn’t seem so but people have to know that I am really not okay. I have a stubborn fever. My heart is, as usual, betraying me each fucking minute. And my head has been throbbing for three consecutive days already. Fever must be brought by the weather. This headache must have been brought by the stupid accident two months ago. And my heart, oh you know what happened to my heart already.

To cut the story short, I am not okay.

But I can’t fucking complain.

Coz right now, I think I’m being silently disowned by my parents. For like how many times already, I’ve been told that I’m useless and worthless. Sometimes, they even regret having me for a child. LOL. That’s drama but I’ve heard it from them before. It doesn’t seem so? Well, now the door to the dark secrets of my personality is opened.

I don’t want to take it seriously. I know they are not serious whenever they say that. But sometimes, I can’t help but think… what if they are? Hahaha!

The thought gets me depressed each fucking time it crosses my mind. You see, it’s not easy to feel unappreciated especially by your own family. My haters would probably be rejoicing right now because their families aren’t like mine. Well, I really hope it wouldn’t happen to them. Coz it fucking hurts.

Now, I just want to be in SM Megamall. XCrew will be there, some of my friends will be there. I was supposed to go there with my bestfriend for the first time and she said she’s treating me with the entrance fee. But I can’t.

Coz my mom is sick and no one would take care of the chores here. My dad’s here but he wouldn’t talk to me because I am a no-good daughter in his eyes. My brother, I don’t know why he wouldn’t take any responsibility here.

You see, I’ve got many things to do… for the people I love, but would always make me feel unfair.

LOL ANGST. I am just not okay. I wish they would also realize that I am not okay.

—–

Detour

I remember what Geng said before… That someday, someone has to drift back. And though it tags along some painful thoughts, I have to admit that it isn’t always the case.

Because right now, I am that someone who has to drift back.

Yes. I’m off for some detour.

It’s the Lenten Season and my youth organization was given the responsibility to come up with a good Easter Sunday production. Some will be dancing during the mass while others are in the choir, and some are going to act for a short presentation before the traditional ‘Salubong’ at 3AM.

And I’m doing the script for the presentation. More so, I’m gonna direct it.

Now that’s my life.

When I was still in college, I have always dreamed of this. I have always wanted to practice my profession without pay in the church. I have always wanted to do something I love for the love of God. I sound so ironic, right? (Considering all the kinkiness and hateful entries I have been posting lately).

Now, it’s gonna happen.

This goal started when I realize that I don’t have the money to finance the Church nor merely my organization. I don’t have the wealth to donate much. But I have the talent to make people realize that Church isn’t boring. I know I can contribute in letting other people know that Church isn’t just about masses and prayers.

I have thought of that since I was in second year college. That was like… 4 years ago. I thought I wouldn’t be able to do it anymore for some personal reasons. But yeah, someone drifts back.

And I’m on my way back to the realization of that goal.

Rant.

You know what? I enjoy all these things. I enjoy seeing people read and RT my tweets, or hear from people liking my blog…

But you know? Sometimes, it gets too tiring. Especially when people start taking things seriously and then end up competing with each other.

Seriously, when I decided to join Pia and May with the WeLove<bias> thingy here, I just wanted to have fun. We just wanted to have fun. Like how twELFs started. (according to Uti. ᄏᄏᄏ) I never thought I’d gain followers in the first place. But obviously, I did.

And it doesn’t mean the popularity’s going to my head.

Seriously. Having a fanbase account on Twitter or Tumblr or Facebook is more like a trend now. It’s like people are just doing that to be recognized. That’s tolerable, fine. But you know what’s annoying? When the popularity gets into someone’s head and they start competing for nothing. Yes, for nothing.

I don’t get it, really. Isn’t love for the boys the paramount here? Since when did becoming the best fanbase becomes the goal? And since when did I (or we) ever gave permission to others to compel us to do things we don’t like to do?

You see, we’re humans. The admins are not Twitter bots who will reply automatically when you send them mentions. We choose what to read, we go for what we want to retweet and we know who we want to follow. Again, we do what we want to do. Nobody can fucking force us on anything.

People, grow up. Act your ages. Some of you are getting into my nerves.

Never… Insult… Henry Lau… In Front… Of Me…

I AM ANGRY.

Sudden Moodswings are Fucking Scary.

And I will forever be scared whenever it is Heenim who experiences this damn moodswings.

But I don’t blame him.

In my own point of view, he has been trying to show his nice side towards what happened like almost a month ago already. He said it’s okay. He tried to act cool about it and he said it was manly to have a little scar on the face, right?

But since the start, I believed otherwise.

And look at his tweet today:

Call me a know it all but based on how I’ve known him, Heenim’s narcissism is beyond what we can all imagine. It’s because he thinks his face is all he have. His previous interviews would prove that. Just yesterday, I read an interview of Heechul wherein he implied that he is not talented. He cannot sing or dance well and his face is all he has. How hard could it be?

Seriously. A little scar could be that fucking stressful to someone who believes that way.

.

.

.

But really Heechul, we don’t measure your worth by your face. We love you for more than how you look like.

희님오빠, 힘내요.

I Don’t Want to Think It’s Over.

언제든지 문은열려있습니다 언제나 자리를비워놓았습니다 사실만을 말했으면좋겠습니다 우리는 손을놓은적이없습니다 더이상거짓아픔은싫습니다 우리는 수퍼주니어 어에요!!그래도 그대가 행복하길 바라겠습니다.”

The door will be open anytime The position will always be kept free I wish only the truth would be said. Our hands never let go. I don’t want false pain any more We are Super Junior!!Anyway I hope you are happy.

- @special1004

credits: @pastakyu – SJWorld.Net

I don’t want to believe it’s over. I will never believe it’s over.

First of all, it’s not Newsen’s stupidity of which I am very concerned of. It is the fact that Jungsoo reacted on the news. It is the fact that I believed that Jungsoo got hurt.

I cried over it. As I’ve said in my tweet, I don’t care anymore as to who is wrong here. To that person, I’ll forever raise my middle finger.

…

For quite a while, I settled for it and made myself believe that the whole tweet is ironic, especially because I did my own translations. To me, it sounds more like ‘You are always welcome but we’re not waiting for you anymore.’ That last sentence contradicted the rest of the tweet for me.

But thanks to Gaia of SJ-World, I was awaken from this nightmare:

I have been beyond confused by this tweet, because with him saying “그래도 그대-” at the end, in which 그래도 stands for “still / anyway / nevertheless” and 그대 stands for “you”, I initially took everything else he wrote as an accusation towards Geng. But the beginning of the tweet makes them sound united and without grudges, as if he knew that the Korean media had pumped up this story and lied about their relationship. So I’m still confused as to whether Leeteuk managed to get an actual translation of the Chinese article or not :| In the end, the problem still lies in the fact that the Korean articles either mistranslated Geng’s words, or purposefully made this up. ╮(╯▽╰)╭

Now, I opt to settle for the better translation and I will not withdraw my faith on their brotherhood.

I promised to believe, and I’m keeping it.

To Set It Straight…

First and foremost, I didn’t fucking compare. All I said was Heenim (and the rest of the boys) were treated like royalties in Manila. AND I AM SERIOUS WHEN I SAID THAT! I wish I really could tell you how it was for SS2 and SS3 but I can’t because I don’t have permission to do so.

Now, please be wary. I wouldn’t control myself. For this once, I will just say here whatever I want to say. Hurt those who will get hurt, I would not give a damn and be nice.

Heenim got hurt and it’s human instinct that sent us all looking for someone to blame. Personally, I needed someone to take full responsibility of what happened because I want justice. I sound obsessive and fucking exaggerated, I know, but considering that I did everything I can to please Kim Heechul when he came to Manila even though Leeteuk should have been my first priority, I know I needed justice.

Now, if you will insist that I am comparing Manila to other countries and I’m being particular with Chinese ELF, I ask you: WHY THE FUCK WOULD I DO THAT? Backtrack my tweets! Even in the midst of some international ELF hating on the Philippines because the boys loved us, I announced that it will still be nothing compared to Shanghai’s encore.

Actually, that was fucked up. And it will forever fuck up my thoughts about some areas of this fandom.

Others are right. Why are we getting divided? Whatever happened in Shanghai and in other countries are all isolated cases. Just so you know, I saw Kyuhyun got hit by a plushie in the Philippines too. But he wasn’t hurt. I doubt if he even felt it. It wasn’t intentional after all.

Just the same, I know the fan who threw it did not mean it. (Unless, the picture I saw proves it otherwise.) Again, I am still giving her the benefit of the doubt. Though an attention-seeking fan misled us all by posting an ‘apology’ on Baidu, I am sure that whoever really did that is sorry.

Now, to save my sanity, let me say a few things. I couldn’t promise that these would be the last, though. Gifts are given to please, not to fucking hurt. I know how eager we all are to make our boards be seen by the boys but please, let’s give it to them the right way. We don’t have to push too far and end up ruining the night of the boys. It was a HANCHUL board and I suppose we all want him to see whatever that has Geng on it. But again, there’s a right way for everything.

The desire to throw things cannot be denied for I, myself, have felt it too. During SS2, I wasn’t able to bring anything. I was so envious when I saw SJ members picking up gifts thrown by the fans. So on SS3, I wanted to make an impression. I brought plushies and stuffs. I threw them on stage but I made sure it wouldn’t hurt them.

Oh, I just remembered. I threw a heart plushie on Heechul. He kicked it, probably thinking he could catch it by doing so. But when he couldn’t, he let it go.

Fine, enough of the reminiscing.

I am not coming clean. I didn’t say Manila was the perfect stop because nothing could beat Seoul. I may appear like a know-it-all but please, take care of the boys.

A Sincere Apology

I know I’m not in the position to do this but with all humility, I apologize for the issues that were brought out last night after Heenim’s incident in SS3 Shanghai. Now, the issue is no longer about his injury. It is now about the division and ruckus spreading like wildfire between Philippine ELF and all other nationalities.

Truth is, I do not know who’s saying which. But since the name and reputation of the Philippine ELF is being forsaken, please allow me to react:

I, myself, is against the comparison. I blamed and got mad with the incident and to whoever threw it but I never compare. I just urged others to take care of the boys. That’s the best thing to be done.

But some fans are yet to be educated of how things go in the Sapphire Blue World. Some fans have to know when to just shut up and stay humble. Manila pulled off a good show, yes; but to some ‘new’ fans, they thought it was the best.

Seriously, I am really embarrassed with their claims. I know for a fact that Manila wasn’t perfect. It’s just that we gave the boys the satisfaction for a concert. And though others assume that it was, I know it couldn’t be compared with SS3′s in China, especially in Shanghai. Much more to Seoul.

Really, it saddens me that some Philippine ELF are doing this. However, these are isolated cases, just like how all incidents are. Please do not generalize and do not ruin the impression you have of Manila.

Again, my heartfelt apologies.

…

AT SA MGA PHELF NA WALANG IBANG GINAWA KUNDI MAGKUMPARA:

Akala ko nung una, pagiging reklamador lang ang problema ng iba. Yun pala, umaariba din sa pagkukumpara. Asan ang utak? Naiwan sa Araneta?

Magalit kayo kung magagalit kayo sa`kin. Hindi ako nagmamarunong. Gusto ko lang sabihin yung mga bagay na gustong sabihin (pero hindi masabi) nung mga talagang nagpakahirap na bigyan ng magandang impresyon ang Pilipinas sa Super Junior.

Unang una, wala kayo sa posisyon para magkumpara. Sa nakikita ko, karamihan sa mga may masabi lang eh unang beses pa lang nakapunta sa concert nung Sabado. Ibig sabihin, hindi nyo alam kung anong nangyari sa SS2 Manila at malamang, dahil nga ganyan ang mga sinasabi niyo, hindi niyo alam kung sino ang binabangga nyo at kung anong uri ng samahan ang sinisira niyo.

Walang nakakasigurado na taga-Shanghai nga ang nakatama kay Heechul. Walang nakakaalam bukod sa talagang nakabato at sa mga katabi nya. Kaya wag tayong magmarunong lahat. Pwede niyong hanapin kung sino yon, magalit kayo sa kanya, o ano pa man… dahil ganun ang gusto ko gawin. PERO PARANG AWA NIYO NA, WAG NIYONG LAHATIN.

Hindi niyo siguro alam kung gano kabigat ang epekto ng salita. At hindi niyo siguro alam kung sino nga ang binabangga niyo. Sa mga hindi matahimik ang bibig dyan, ang CHINESE ELF ang isa sa mga talagang pumapantay sa mga Korean ELF pagdating sa mga sorpresa para sa mga members. Kung hindi niyo alam kung anu-anong mga nagawa nila, magtanong-tanong kayo sa mga senior ELF niyo.

Mayabang na kung mayabang ang dating ko, pero kung hindi titigil tong issue na to tungkol sa Philippine ELF, hindi na ko magtataka kung wala na talagang maging Super Show 4 Manila. At hindi na rin ako magtataka kung ang maging tweet ni Heechul ay hindi tungkol sa nangyari sa kanya kundi tungkol sa mga away-away na nangyayari ngayon.

Ito lang: Maganda ang naging impresyon ni Heechul sa Pilipinas. Please naman, wag niyong sirain yon.

Because I’m This Nosy.

Frankly speaking, I don’t care about what others would say about the success of SS3 Manila but my nosiness wouldn’t let it just pass. :) All ELF wants their countries to be recognized and Philippine ELF is not an exception. We have our goal that’s why we did that: TO MAKE SUPER JUNIOR FEEL LOVED AND ACCEPTED.

You see, we only have one night to spend with them. We couldn’t afford two- or three-day concerts. That is why we went all out and put everything on the line for these boys.

And as the whole world knows, we succeeded.

Heenim tweeted that he really fxxkin love us. Rare, right? Henry tweeted as well after a long time just to tell us that he enjoyed the concert. (His first and last tweet are for us, anyway.) Jungsoo, Wookie and Yesung did as well. The others, they kept on saying they love us during the concert.

Honestly, I have thought of this happening. But I think it’s unfair to hate us just because Super Junior LOVES us. ^^~

If ever that issue is true and it really came from a foreign ELF, let me give you hints on why the one-night concert turned out to be one of the biggest and most successful stops of Super Show 3:

1. Nine months. We spent nine long months preparing for the concert. While the organizers do their thing, the fans also used that time to introduce to NEW ELF who Super Junior really is and how a Super Show should be.
2. The boys’ concerns was our top priority. That’s the secret why Heenim was pleased. If you try to observe things, there weren’t any competition during the concert. All the fan projects were in uniform because there’s one sole group who everybody trusted – SUJUMAD.
3. We love them. And that love is NOT different from your love or the love of any other international ELF.

This isn’t a question of who’s the best and who’s the worst anymore. This has now become a question of what you can do to make the boys receive what they deserve.

Communication and love were the best weapon to make SS3 Manila successful. There are lots of means to get your projects known. There are still lots of time to prepare.

So instead of hating on us, concentrate on how you can make the boys happy. And please, put the thought of competition aside. If you do things because of jealousy and envy over our success, it will just make your plans falter. Do it for the boys, not to compete. :)