It’s Almost Time.

I knew, for the whole day, that once I get a time alone, I would break down.

And now, it’s starting to knock me off.

Few more hours and Heechul will officially be on leave.

And the inevitable truth will start.

…

I knew I needed to hear something…

Something about Hangeng.

I Will Not Wait…

Heenim asked us not to wait, and I won’t.

But I will put my trust on what we have and ready myself for what lies beyond.

This whole army thing, I believe, is just a prelude to everything else that is about to happen. And I think it’s better to just focus on the fact that this story is at its climax already and the denouement will come anytime soon. And then the conclusion, and then another story to start – with us all together once again.

We’re in for a rollercoaster ride. Just like what I’ve said, Heenim has opened the wound that was caused by Kangin’s enlistment last year. He has also opened a bigger portal leading to reality which we – whether we like or not – should accept. And soon, members are going to be what Heenim is right now; and we, as fans, have to go through this kind of painful parting for numerous times.

Seeing a semi-bald Heenim and all the tweets and updates, everything is washing through me and I honestly couldn’t cry anymore. Everything has gone so surreal that I just wish to wake up from this dream.

But the thing is, this is reality. This is the truth.

And all that I’m left with is the fact that my heart hurts so much because I couldn’t let it all out.

I don’t know what I am doing anymore and I know that this is no longer about Kim Heechul’s enlistment. This is already about the fate of Super Junior and ELF.

There is nothing I can hold on to at this very moment that I am trying so hard not to break down.

Except for one thing…

The faith I have in Super Junior and myself.

Something for Choi Sooyoung…

I am not a SONE. But I am worried over Choi Sooyoung.

She had gotten into a car accident and if news saying that she got a fractured backbone, I don’t think it’s something to just disregard. It is a serious matter.

So I am asking everyone reading this blog to please pray for this sweet lady’s speedy recovery.

I know it’s difficult. Remembering Kyuhyun, I know it is. But I believe she’ll get well because even if I do not know fully who Choi Sooyoung is, it is enough to know that she is strong.

One Step Away

I’m one step away from making Heechul hear the song.

And if that happens, I’ll get by just fine.

Thank you, Sir Defconn. Thank you very much.

내 슈퍼만 \o/

credits as tagged

It is so touching to know that idols have come together in a sports competition to promote camaraderie.

But to me, the most special thing is that my idols are some of those who managed to prove that the goal really was achieved.

Apparently, Sungmin was running with other competitors when he noticed one of them hurt. Instead of finishing the run and just going for the win, he stopped, checked and helped the injured. Jungsoo came to help and the rest followed.

CAN I BE ANY PROUDER?

Many might think that Ming and the rest of the group are just being pretentious knowing that there are hundreds of fans and reporters seeing them at that very moment.

But I don’t think that argument is valid because based on how I’ve known these boys – especially Ming – and basing it as how they have been for the past years, they would not use other’s injuries to catch attention and gain popularity.

Based on the pictures, I can’t help but be more thankful that I am in this fandom. Because whatever kinds of accusations and criticisms are thrown to us, nothing can erase the fact that my boys have hearts of gold…

And just like what Danica said, it is difficult to pretend to be nice for six years, if they really aren’t.

Lived Up to the Promise Made Two Years Ago

I can’t believe it has been two years since I cried over Boom’s enlistment and totally admired his brotherly relationship with Jungsoo and Hyukjae. It felt like time flied and after the tearful pictures shown to me two years ago when the SJ members sent him off to army, it is just so fulfilling to see pictures of them smiling.

I know I’m biased but Boom’s departure to and release from the army brought me to admiring Jungsoo, Hyukjae and for this matter, Shindong’s dedications over their craft. Boom stans may hate me on this but I just can’t help but focus on the ultimate connection of these four awesome persons:

Boomkigayo and Teukigayo.

In my perception, Jungsoo and Hyukjae were Boom’s apprentices. Strong Heart started with Boomkigayo and before he left for the army, we all know that he left the segment to Jungsoo – who promised his hyung to continue what the entertaining segment has started. Shindong was casted and then, Teukigayo was born.

For Teukigayo, the three SJ members had to spend sleepless nights researching and planning to come up with the best antics to entertain not just the guests, but the audience as well. I need not to further explain this because Jungsoo had said these things himself already.

I can’t believe it has already been this long since that kind of set-up started. And though I couldn’t really watch all episodes of Strong Heart, I think it’s just fine to say that they lived up to their promise and under Jungsoo, Teukigayo brought a lot of laughter in that SBS studio.

So I think, it’s just fine to be this proud. And Boom, I just want you to know that you did the right thing in entrusting Jungsoo, Hyukjae and Shindong with this.

They did well.

OUR STAR (SONG FOR HEENIM)

(YT LINK)

It must have been hard on you
to leave when all are going to
stay behind for everything,
live life with a new beginning

Two years, you’ll be away.
We tell each other, ‘come what may.’
We act like we are both so strong
Pretending like there’s nothing wrong.

CHORUS 1:
But behind the laughter are the tears
which no one can deny
We take one step and fight the fears
But we keep asking why.
OUr destiny’s too tough
And all we have is love.
But it’s the greatest reason that we have.

We know you’ll carry on.
You have always been so strong.
You showed us things we never knew
And taught us deeds we never do.

But the world you’re going to
couldn’t be as good to you,
if pain prevails, we won’t be far
For you will always be our star

CHORUS:
If there’s no one else to run to
When you start feeling down
Remember all that we’ve been through
Believe that we’re still one
Look up above the stars
and we’ll be where you are.
Then close your eyes and take a deep breath and smile.

082611/cheonsa23

It has been three years since I last wrote a song and record it. I never really thought then that my very little ability in composing will emerge out in this kind of instance. I am happy to finally go back to what I really love but I can’t fully feel the joy when the reason why I did this is to say goodbye to someone I have loved for years already.

Kim Heechul.

The song is not beautiful, as well as my coarse voice. I know it has similarities with some Nina song – which I can’t identify what (BUT I SWEAR, IT’S PURELY INCIDENTAL!). The recording has flaws. My piano abilities are rusty already and I had some mistakes because I couldn’t use notes.

Nevertheless, I am proud of this one. And if this song manages to make people feel the same way I did when I was writing it, I guess its purpose will be served.

And if this song will reach Heenim before he enlists, I’ll be the happiest person.

SUPERMAN MV?

It has no plot, no new concepts, no special effects, no highly-edited scenes, no scripted OTP interactions, no catchy actions..

But it is one of the most beautiful videos SM has ever produced for SJ.

Because it has one unique content which not everyone has seen:

PURE LOVE BETWEEN ELF AND SJ.

The MV is our video. It may not reach the success of Mr. Simple in terms of viewership count, it will forever be a remembrance of what we have shared and what we’ll hold on to when the number starts decreasing in time…

I Miss You.

This is one of the rare times that I cry because I miss Kim Kibum…

The way he walked to the car.

The way he scratched his nape.

The way he opened the car door.

The way he waved to the fans.

The way he bowed down before getting in the car.

This fancam lasts only a few seconds, but tears jerked up…

Because even though I tried to just not care and not just hope,

I still wish that you’ll be back.

video credits: palahae

On a Rollercoaster Ride.

So Heechul is finally enlisting in the army in six days. It was sudden. It was terribly unexpected. And if the cat didn’t grew conscience (KIDDING!), we would all have been clueless of his whereabouts before we knew of the step he would then have made.

I don’t want to be a hypocrite. Just like an immature child, the initial feeling that came to me was that I felt disappointed and betrayed. News have said that they are going to enter the army by the end of 2012. But it’s just mid-2011, and he’s leaving already.

Also, I was never prepared that Heenim will enlist alone. I really thought that the leader would have someone to come with him. And yeah, in case they really have to enlist on their own, it was so far from my idea that Heenim will leave first. I was expecting a temporary goodbye from Jungsoo.

Nonetheless, it happened. And we all have no choice but to accept it.

I knew it was so selfish and stupid of me to think that Heenim should delay his enlistment. I was expecting to see him in Super Show 4, and truth be told, I am working hard to save money in order to go to Korea by the time of his supposed enlistment with Jungsoo – and send them off to the army. And you see, it was actually difficult to convince myself that they have to go through this. I needed time. I know we all needed time.

But two weeks, Heenim gave us two weeks to ready ourselves. We were even on hook because he wanted to do this with the usual way he does things – NINJA STYLE.

But is Heenim to blame?

NO.

Separation is an inevitable part of this fandom. And I can’t do anything with that.

I am just hurting because since the start of this blog, I have made it clear that I hate goodbyes. I don’t want to see people departing and leaving – even temporarily.

Because I fear the possibility of a change of heart…

From which party, I cannot tell. :’(

I have 6 days left to get off this rollercoaster ride. And I wonder how many days left before it’s Teuk’s turn to leave.

On the Brink of Hiatus PART 2

First of all, Kim Jongwoon, I love you. Happy Birthday. Better be really fine. I am worried.

Second, yeah, I’m thinking of going on a hiatus. It’s just a spur of emotions. This week has become an emotional rollercoaster ride and I’m getting dizzy each time I see pictures of Heechul, Kyuhyun and Jungsoo.

Heechul, because of the army.

Kyuhyun, because his confession in Strong Heart made me feel horrible, reminding me and all how difficult it is to be just a fan.

Call me delusional and stupid and shallow and narrow-minded. It will really just take a little time adjusting and it will really take GREAT EFFORT to finally convince myself that these boys really have their lives to live…

…Lives which do not involve us all.

사과해주세요.

Please. Do not put him on hot seat because he does not deserve that.

Apologize for your mistakes.

Apologize for putting the blame on the leader.

Apologize for not admitting beforehand that it was you who was wrong in this.

He did nothing but to comply.

So please.

Apologize now.

Just a Little Thought about ELF

Recently, I’ve been seeing, reading and hearing a lot of things said about ELF. Most are painful accusations saying we’re boastful, troublemakers, selfish and self-centered. Sometimes, I laugh it all off. But most of the time, I just can’t deny the fact that it gets to me and it hurts a lot.

I cannot say that it is not true of course. Even I can prove that some people in this fandom are really clueless about what they are here for. But in spite of the negative impression the world has towards the Everlasting Friends, it is and will always be one of the greatest fandoms in the world… and I will never ever turn my back on it.

The truth is: People just don’t see the good side of ELF. Just because of some things that happened in the past, the whole fandom gets downgraded each fucking time. It sucks, honestly, to realize that the whole fandom is being boxed in on a certain impression which does not apply on everybody.

Most of the time, I feel sorry for the ones put on hot water. Though I cannot say that these people are really innocent, I think it is fine to claim that their actions were just due to too much provocation from different things. You see, when the person you love the most gets hurt and gets criticized by people who actually knows nothing about them, it is hard not to lose patience. It’s hard to not erupt. Because you know that he doesn’t deserve those kinds of reception; and you see, it is more difficult if standing for him – against everyone else – is all you could do to offer protection.

Super Junior has gone through a lot. They were belittled, maliciously accused and misunderstood. ELF are the people who believed in them, because ELF paid attention and clearly saw what they have gone through.

As for the actions of ELF…

Others may call it immaturity but that word is too general to be used on ELF everytime something comes up. It is not always being selfish and self-centered when people become possessive of everything they know they deserve. It is not always troublemaking when people retaliate…

Sometimes, it – I BELIEVE – is dedication and love. 

I may not really live up to the name ‘ELF’ that is why I really can’t distinguish myself as one (and that fact makes this entire blog appear senseless). But as I give ‘being a fan’ no definition, I will still say that this is where I really belong. But this post? This post does not aim to defend the wrongdoings of some ELF. As the old saying goes, there will always be rotten tomatoes in a basket full of fresh ones. It’s just that I want to correct that wrong tags that are stuck on our foreheads, because I think of the new ELF who just want to be part of this fandom. I do not want them to be subjects of prejudice. That is why I wrote this crappy blog entry.

Here’s the truth: This fandom is not perfect. But it stands out on its own right. You know why? Because we love Super Junior and it is the boys which always come first for us.

And you know what? The same thing applies to everyone else – regardless of the fandom. You love your idols that’s why they stand out among everybody. That’s just how it is.

So no one deserves to be hated and no one has the right to generalize.