BILLBOARD FAN ARMY FACE/OFF : Why ELF Actually Paid Attention

First of all, I won't be speaking for the whole fandom. We all have our own reasons. But I'm gonna speak for my friends (who I know will either be agreeing with me wholeheartedly or I'm gonna force them to) and I just want everyone to understand why all of a sudden, ELF paid attention to this fan army thing happening on Billboard right now.

Okay...

So believe it or not, most of us do not really know about the on-going bracketing on Billboard. It wasn't even about Super Junior, after all. It was about us, ELF. It was about who the strongest fandom is; and while mine has been known to be quite competitive when it comes to things like this, I honestly think we've grown out of that phase and we all just wanted stress-free lives focused on dealing with our boys.

In short, we didn't care at all. The past bracket scores will prove that to everyone. Most of us are busy young adults focused on real life issues and we know we didn't have time for things like this...

'Didn't.' 

We really didn't care until Choi Siwon and Lee Donghae decided to fuck everyone's lives up by mentioning this on Twitter and Weibo. 

Now the question is... Why did I say that?

What many new fans should understand is that ELF is no different from other fandoms. We are as passionate as anyone else when it comes to our boys; but while we are always so competitive, we are quite lax with things about our fandom. I mean, we don't care about the glory if it's gonna be directly about us. And this Billboard thing is one perfect example. This does not actually gives honor to SJ directly. Should we win, it will recognize us, ELF. And we just don't care about it.

But why are we stressing to win?

This is my personal opinion: We know Siwon and Donghae enough to understand what those posts mean. The tweet and the Weibo post? It was a challenge. They were challenging us again.

Those fuckers.

No, most of us do not care at all about those haters who keep throwing shades on us. We want to win because we really want to prove Donghae and Siwon, and the rest of Super Junior members that we can. It's as simple as that.

Plus, here's the most important fact: SJ wants us to win. And whatever they want, we serve. Because after all, that is what they do in return.

I'm not being an ass to others. The Stylers are working hard right now and I swear, they're all so sweet and I really love the clean rivalry. But I hope people will understand that this is more like a battle between ELF and SJ. Really.

I don't want to be complacent, at all. It's just that I want to let others know what some old fans like us think about this bracket. And I want to reiterate that this is my opinion. And I know I'm sharing this with many others.

So I hope people don't badmouth our fandom ever again. Because winning is not always about proving a point to others. For us ELF, it's about slapping the boys' faces with the truth that we are still alive, and of course... giving in to their spoiled asses' wishes.

빨리 다시 돌아와요.

During the final ment of Super Show 7 Manila, I don't want to think that I'm the only one who noticed the interaction between the 83-line. While Heenim was being the crazy ass that he was, Jungsu said something about SS8. Heenim then said he's coming back for the next concert, and then the leader started the teasing, asking Hee if he really would come. Heenim didn't answer, waved the leader off instead, and the concert ended.

I told my friends about it and how it got me so scared. I mentioned how I noticed his eyes to be so puffy when they arrived at the Philippines and I even half-joked that perhaps he was just dragged to the country for the show. Maybe he really didn't want to do it anymore. It brought me so much anxiety. The thought of not having Heenim was terrifying.

That's why when Siwon posted something on IG about staying strong forever, I commented "BASTA WALANG AALIS. BASTA WALANG MANG-IIWAN" because I really couldn't get the TeukChul moment off my head. I thought I have just gotten back to my real world and I don't want anyone else to leave.

Since then, I have paid closer attention to Chul's activities; but most times, it still bothers me. I kept on trying to distract myself with watching Knowing Brothers, Super TV, Life Bar, and other variety shows with Heenim on it, but it's very interesting to note how I kept on going back to episodes where he would talk about waking up in pain, crying in solitude, trying to act strong, and suffering just so he wouldn't be a burden to his members. I refused to think that it was some sort of a warning from the universe that at one point, my fear was really going to happen. I didn't want to admit that there really was something wrong.

Until yesterday when all of a sudden, a Weibo post came out and I knew instantly that it was official. That was typical of Heenim. When he has something important to talk about, it's always Weibo. It's always Weibo.

Funny how earlier yesterday, I was rewatching the episode of Life Bar when Donghee and Hyukjae guested. One particular part which struck me was when Hyuk talked about wondering whether he was just so much into protecting Super Junior that he failed to pay attention to his hyung. Heenim downplayed it but the regret was obvious on the younger members.

And I guess that basically allowed my fear to subside. When Hyuk thought he was being selfish for insisting that Heenim participate in the comebacks, I felt that. And I thought maybe, I was being a Hyukjae too this time. I was being selfish because I want to see Heenim become a solid part of Super Junior all his life - not realizing that he is already a foundation of the group and there is no changing that. 

Heenim is a crazy asshole. Up until now, he is. But if you knew him from the early days, you would realize how much he had changed. You couldn't expect the Universal Big Star to just talk about how he's thankful towards his members on TV. Back in the days, you wouldn't even see him sincerely talk about gratefulness (especially towards Jungsu) in front of so many people. Of course, he isn't as heartless as we used to think he was but let's admit it, the Heenim today is different.

It is this change that convinced me that everything is going to be fine. Despite not participating in the new album, I know he's not gonna leave. After all, if there is one person aside from Jungsu who understands the real horror of departure from the group, it would be Heenim. He had gone through the toughest times in 2009, so I don't think he would even think about letting his members and his fans go through the pain too.

Also, the Heenim today really values his members, especially the familial bond they share. That's why I kept on telling my friends that I trust him enough to just accept this decision, because I know at one point, he's gonna come back. Kyuhyun, Donghae, Hyukjae and Wookie would make sure of that.


Of course, these are sort of words only. Just because I know it's going to happen means it would hurt less. When I saw the Weibo post and read the translations, it hurt as fuck - like I didn't know it was going to happen. But then, I know it was going to happen, and there's nothing I can do about it. Of course, I can mope and sulk because this is a comeback ffs... But this is Heenim's health we're talking about. There should be no compromise.

To be very honest, I would rather see him not perform with SJ this time than see him get paralyzed because he didn't get the proper rest he deserve. I would rather spend a few months thinking that the stage would have been better if he was in it, than risk the possibility of him leaving permanently because his leg won't let him sleep anymore. I would rather not see him dance and sing even for seconds than never get to see him with his brothers at all.

Everything is temporary anyway. He had confirmed it via a fansite that he would not be participating only for this album and he's coming back for SM Town Osaka. 

Heenim has been suffering all along and it's high time that I really accept the fact that our boys are not getting any younger. I am too, after all.

That's why for this comeback, I just want us all to come together and wish him fast and full recovery, as well as the other members. Because if we want to really stick together forever, health should always be the number one priority.

Homecoming

Photo from SM Entertainment

The year 2013 was the last time Super Junior set foot in the Philippines to hold a solo concert. It was a long-wait, and admittedly, most have outgrown the group. Many left the fandom for their education, career, relationships and families; and it’s an inevitable choice that people sometimes have to make: priorities.

Five years later, who would have known that these people who thought they’ve already graduated from this kind of phase in their lives, will suddenly realize that in just a little more than a month, it’s time to come home again.

I have to admit. There were no expectations or whatsoever about this concert. I honestly promised myself that I would just come there and enjoy, and then leave afterwards, since I need to focus on my work, business, and some other projects I am currently working on. You see, I thought Super Junior has already turned into a mere entertainment, distraction from my real life. Like all others, I thought I am way past my eighteen-year-old self already. I thought of just selling my ticket, to be honest. At 29, I thought my priorities had changed; and this is just nothing more like a trip down the memory lane.

But for the nth time, Super Junior had proven me wrong.

On the eve of the concert, I couldn’t sleep. Friends from Indonesia and Davao were flying in to Manila and I dwelled on the idea that I just wanted to keep track on them. But later on, I unexpectedly realized that the excitement means more. You know that feeling during the eve of your elementary field trip, a family outing, or your birthday party? That was basically how I felt that night. In the midst of believing that excitement is now how we feel when we’re off to travel, or we’re going on dates, or it’s already a few minutes before you clock out from work, that night brought me to a child’s definition of excitement. It was unexpectedly precious.

The sun rose and I went to Manila early because I had to do some sort of tour guide duties for my Indonesian friend. As we go around Intramuros, I felt so nostalgic not because I used to study there, but because never in my whole life did I see myself walking around the city with foreigners I met through Twitter on 2009. I mean, talking about Asian history and Philippine and Indonesian laws is what adults do, right? But we did that while waiting for the time when we would have to go to the venue for the concert. 

When we arrived at the concert hall, the first thing I did was meet up with my old friends from Davao and Laguna. And then I went to where TeukAngels were and then, the more I was brought to deeper realizations.

Talking to Aya, Jen, and Shane while distributing flyers for Teuk’s birthday was like the biggest reality check for me. The reminiscing was real. All the stories from the past, all the people we met, and all the new fans who introduced themselves to us that day, convinced me that God didn’t just bring me there to watch a concert. I was brought there to remind myself to live and love again.

Remembering everything I told Shane and Aya that afternoon, I can’t help but feel proud of myself. I can’t help but realize how matured we became, talking about things like depression, anxiety, and relationships. These seemed too simple; but back in the days, we wouldn’t even know what to say when things like this come up. We used to care only for ourselves and how we can create a mark on Jungsu and Super Junior. Suddenly, we understood people more. Now, it’s all about caring for each other; and rather than competing for the boys to believe that we are the best fans ever, we were now more focused on convincing them that even after a long time of absence, they still have a strong fan base in the Philippines.

The concert started a bit late, making me feel anxious and a little disheartened. But when I finally got to enter the venue with Regene, the very friend who was with me on Super Show 2 in 2010, my emotions were all over the place. I saw myself just staring in awe at the people around me, hearing their deafening cheers and watching them wave their blue light sticks. It was a scene I never thought I have missed so much.

And then that’s when I realized that finally, I am home.

After the concert, it was a pandemonium inside me. Two and half hours passed by so quickly that I felt like it didn’t happen. But I know it did because my heart felt so full.

I went out of the venue in a trance. If not for Aya screaming my name, I wouldn’t have known where to go. I just knew I had to bring Sai and Asha back to their hotel but I didn’t really know how. My mind was blank, as if it wouldn’t process anything that involves the fact that I have to leave the venue.

Now that I think about it, the difficulty to book a taxi is perhaps a blessing; because while waiting for the Grab app to work, I had my most favourite post-concert moment with Aya.

While watching people in a rush and while staring at the moonlit sky above, Aya and I were just sitting on the stair steps in front of the venue entrance when I suddenly heard myself telling her that I don’t want to leave the place yet. I said I wanted to savour the moment that I’m there while the boys are still inside and my friends are everywhere. Because during the whole time I was there, I felt infinitely safe, like nothing hurts. I felt like finally, after so many years, I’ve come home to where I really belong.

And for the first time in five years, I can confidently say that I am okay.

When I was younger, I ran this blog with articles saying how much impact Super Junior has made in my life. I kept on talking about how they are like miracles and blessings, and all good things to me; and I thought I have experienced everything they can give. But Super Show 7 in Manila convinced me that like how they are in everything else, they will consistently exceed my expectations.

Because this time, they do not just provide me with an escape. They have indeed molded my world into something I can totally be proud of; and I have just noticed that during the concert. 

Starting from when I reunited with my friends, it was already a proof of how these boys contributed immensely to my life. Because of Super Junior, we broke the stigma towards the internet, saying that no authentic relationship will ever bud out from it. But look what we have now? A family.

And as I watch the concert with them, I can't help but be more emotional. Because if you're there, you will also feel that it wasn't just a show. It was a sincere homecoming for everyone.

Right now, my heart is still full. Looking back at the years spent with and without Super Junior, I sincerely wish that every new fan today will get to experience the miracle brought by these boys. I hope that whatever blessing we have received by loving them unconditionally be given to you too. Because even though a lot of people would say that we’re weird for loving guys who wouldn’t even know who we are, trust us when we say that it doesn’t really matter because our love for each other will always be stronger, and enough to hold us tight together.

And then when another set of years pass by, it will be your turn to realize how Super Junior and this fandom will always be ready to welcome you home. 

An Open Letter to Kim Saeun

First of all, I am just a fan whose existence will probably remain unknown to Sungmin and the rest of Super Junior. I don’t even live in South Korea and haven’t even gone there.

But I am a fan who loves Sungmin dearly, who believes that he deserves all the happiness in the world because he is our Lee Sungmin, the sweet, quiet and charming pumpkin of the group.

And if his happiness is you, then so be it.

Just please promise us one thing: that you will never hurt him. Please don’t go on interviews saying that being on a relationship with Sungmin is a burden because to him, being with you is the best thing that has ever happened.

In the future, please don’t reveal anything without his consent. If you have something to publicize, please don’t make your company deny it when it’s actually the truth. Because doing that makes us feel like it’s only Sungmin who’s facing the consequences of this revelation. Please always support his decisions. If he wants to keep it a secret, let it be. He’s a very private person, and he wants to do things his way, so please respect that.

I know after marriage, he’ll have bigger responsibilities as your husband but from time to time, let him go back to us. Let him be with his brothers even just for a meal. Let him talk to us. Let him tell us that he loves us, despite all of us knowing that it isn’t 100% true anymore. Let him be the Super Junior Sungmin who keeps on doing aegyo, who keeps on rolling around in a pumpkin costume.

He fought for you, hard. He fought for you because obviously, he loves you very much. And I hope you’ll love him back the same way he does. Although you probably know him better than us, I wish you’ll get to know him better once you’ve entered a new phase in your lives.

The angered hearts are constantly fueled by the news right now. Sungmin must be in a very difficult position. Many want him out of the group, and while I cannot blame them, I just want to make sure that our pumpkin’s fine. During this time, please stay by his side. Never leave him because as far as I believe, Sungmin never wants to be alone. He doesn’t like being left behind. He doesn’t like the feeling of being abandoned. Please hug him tight and comfort him and tell him that everything’s going to be okay. Because everything will be okay. Just give us all time, and we will all come back and find forgiveness and acceptance in our hearts.

And by then, maybe we can all wish you both the happiness.

But today, when it still hurts, please be patient with us. Whatever you hear, endure it for the sake of Sungmin. Please don’t get mad at him for having fans like us, who just wish to protect him. After all, we have been by his side long enough too.

Take care of Lee Sungmin, please.

There was one comic strip being shared on Twitter recently. It shows a little girl who entered a museum, introducing herself as a new member of a fandom. Another girl welcomed her and asked her politely to just go around and explore everything. And the little girl did, to her heart's content. When she realized that she had filled herself enough, she went back to the other girl and asked where the way out is. The older member just smiled and shook her head.

And immediately, we knew there's none.

It was a mere comic strip created for the entertainment of everyone who can relate. But at the end of the day, everything is based on reality, and the strip basically summarizes the reality of fangirling. And I tell you, I'm not different from that newcomer several years ago. I entered the fandom, thinking that it would only be a one-time thing and that I can always leave when everything gets too overwhelming; but I was told there's no exit.

But seven years after, I found it. Maybe it was a door to another fandom but at least I found the exit from here. That's why this blog lacked updates. That's why I spazzed less. I used 'maturity' as an excuse but the truth is, I've just grown tired of everything in here. I have convinced myself that I don't like Super Junior anymore, and that I've gotten over them finally.

It was relieving. My other bias groups haven't reached the status of SJ before in my heart so it was amusing how light everything is for me now. I don't feel the need to buy albums and merchandises. I don't feel the need to watch concerts and pay for thousands of pesos for tickets. I don't even feel the need to update myself of everything that's happening.



But I don't know why. And perhaps, I don't even want to know. Suddenly, I found myself sobbing ugly while watching Super Junior's MIRACLE. Heck, I didn't even know how I was led to this. I was watching videos of Lee Hongki and then suddenly, I'm on a journey down the memory lane.

I may have gotten out of the maze; but I miss them. My mind tells me it's okay and that I'm getting by; but you know? My heart hurts. And I'm not saying this just because I want you readers to sympathize. I'm saying this because it's the truth. I couldn't look at Geng and Kibum because no matter how much I diss those two, I miss them. Especially Geng. Especially HANGENG.

As I watch the video repeatedly, there are some thoughts running in my head:

Kahit pala anong layo ko,

Kahit ilang beses akong magsabing ayaw ko na...

Babalik at babalik din pala ako talaga.

Siguro, hindi kasing tindi ng dati.

Siguro, hindi kasing bigat ng nakaraan.

Pero mas totoo na yung pagmamahal na mararamdaman.

Corny, oo. Pero wala eh. Yun yung totoo.

Yun pala yung ibig sabihin ng pagiging ELF.

Yun pala yung ibig sabihin ng 'everlasting' sa pangalan ng fandom.

I used to tell people in the past that ELF means FOREVER, until I thought I ate up all my words because I couldn't stick with the group.

But now I realized that perhaps, it is indeed for forever. 

And i'm just so happy to have finally felt that.