빨리 다시 돌아와요.

During the final ment of Super Show 7 Manila, I don't want to think that I'm the only one who noticed the interaction between the 83-line. While Heenim was being the crazy ass that he was, Jungsu said something about SS8. Heenim then said he's coming back for the next concert, and then the leader started the teasing, asking Hee if he really would come. Heenim didn't answer, waved the leader off instead, and the concert ended.

I told my friends about it and how it got me so scared. I mentioned how I noticed his eyes to be so puffy when they arrived at the Philippines and I even half-joked that perhaps he was just dragged to the country for the show. Maybe he really didn't want to do it anymore. It brought me so much anxiety. The thought of not having Heenim was terrifying.

That's why when Siwon posted something on IG about staying strong forever, I commented "BASTA WALANG AALIS. BASTA WALANG MANG-IIWAN" because I really couldn't get the TeukChul moment off my head. I thought I have just gotten back to my real world and I don't want anyone else to leave.

Since then, I have paid closer attention to Chul's activities; but most times, it still bothers me. I kept on trying to distract myself with watching Knowing Brothers, Super TV, Life Bar, and other variety shows with Heenim on it, but it's very interesting to note how I kept on going back to episodes where he would talk about waking up in pain, crying in solitude, trying to act strong, and suffering just so he wouldn't be a burden to his members. I refused to think that it was some sort of a warning from the universe that at one point, my fear was really going to happen. I didn't want to admit that there really was something wrong.

Until yesterday when all of a sudden, a Weibo post came out and I knew instantly that it was official. That was typical of Heenim. When he has something important to talk about, it's always Weibo. It's always Weibo.

Funny how earlier yesterday, I was rewatching the episode of Life Bar when Donghee and Hyukjae guested. One particular part which struck me was when Hyuk talked about wondering whether he was just so much into protecting Super Junior that he failed to pay attention to his hyung. Heenim downplayed it but the regret was obvious on the younger members.

And I guess that basically allowed my fear to subside. When Hyuk thought he was being selfish for insisting that Heenim participate in the comebacks, I felt that. And I thought maybe, I was being a Hyukjae too this time. I was being selfish because I want to see Heenim become a solid part of Super Junior all his life - not realizing that he is already a foundation of the group and there is no changing that. 

Heenim is a crazy asshole. Up until now, he is. But if you knew him from the early days, you would realize how much he had changed. You couldn't expect the Universal Big Star to just talk about how he's thankful towards his members on TV. Back in the days, you wouldn't even see him sincerely talk about gratefulness (especially towards Jungsu) in front of so many people. Of course, he isn't as heartless as we used to think he was but let's admit it, the Heenim today is different.

It is this change that convinced me that everything is going to be fine. Despite not participating in the new album, I know he's not gonna leave. After all, if there is one person aside from Jungsu who understands the real horror of departure from the group, it would be Heenim. He had gone through the toughest times in 2009, so I don't think he would even think about letting his members and his fans go through the pain too.

Also, the Heenim today really values his members, especially the familial bond they share. That's why I kept on telling my friends that I trust him enough to just accept this decision, because I know at one point, he's gonna come back. Kyuhyun, Donghae, Hyukjae and Wookie would make sure of that.


Of course, these are sort of words only. Just because I know it's going to happen means it would hurt less. When I saw the Weibo post and read the translations, it hurt as fuck - like I didn't know it was going to happen. But then, I know it was going to happen, and there's nothing I can do about it. Of course, I can mope and sulk because this is a comeback ffs... But this is Heenim's health we're talking about. There should be no compromise.

To be very honest, I would rather see him not perform with SJ this time than see him get paralyzed because he didn't get the proper rest he deserve. I would rather spend a few months thinking that the stage would have been better if he was in it, than risk the possibility of him leaving permanently because his leg won't let him sleep anymore. I would rather not see him dance and sing even for seconds than never get to see him with his brothers at all.

Everything is temporary anyway. He had confirmed it via a fansite that he would not be participating only for this album and he's coming back for SM Town Osaka. 

Heenim has been suffering all along and it's high time that I really accept the fact that our boys are not getting any younger. I am too, after all.

That's why for this comeback, I just want us all to come together and wish him fast and full recovery, as well as the other members. Because if we want to really stick together forever, health should always be the number one priority.