I Need Super Junior. AGAIN.

This is the time when I badly need to see Super Junior. I need them at the moment to forget the pain. I need them to ease away everything. I need them to get back to the very person that I should be. I need them. I badly need them.

I am quite drunk as I write this. I’ve been in a drinking session with my friends where I was forced to go back to the memories I have long forgotten. Oops. To memories I thought I’ve long forgotten now.

The truth is, for the longest time, I’ve been using Super Junior as my shield, as my defense. I’ve been using my love for them as an escape from the love I’ve rejected to feel. And yeah, it worked. That’s why I resorted to going back to normal.

And now that it’s that normality that I’ve gone to, I have to go back to using the group.

The pain is intolerable. And I am vulnerable. How can I escape? I’ve got no courage to face these difficulties. I’ve got no strength to stand against the truth. I’ve got no chance to lie.

Because as others think, I AM OBVIOUS.

I wish everything is as easy as my condition with Super Junior. I believe on its impossibility. I love without expecting anything in return. I love without having to hide myself from the world. I can speak of my feelings.

Yeah. I wish it could be as easy as that.

But it can never be. Because I’ve got only two choices – love and hope secretly or never love at all. Either way, I’ll get hurt. Which is the lesser evil? I can’t even tell.

The worst thing is I can’t even cry the pain out. My heart’s filled with anxieties yet I can’t even release any of it. I’m too overwhelmed with everything. Super Junior’s my only escape.

So I guess, I’ve got to go back to TOTAL FANGIRLING again. I wish I can.

Because I’m very much divided.