The Lack of Thirteen can Kill.

There are things which we would like to see but we couldn’t – for reasons we cannot know. We are forced to accept things blindly. We are asked to understand without being explained to.

It’s inevitable. There are times when we have to believe on the unknown.

I don’t know what came to me to write this way. These ideas and words don’t feel like mine. I don’t know where it’s coming from.

Maybe from the unconscious. Maybe from the deepest corner of my heart – a place which I haven’t been to, a place which I don’t really know exists.

I JUST MISS SEEING ALL THIRTEEN OF THEM TOGETHER.

Even just in pictures. Even just in videos.

I know what’s happening. I know why they can’t be together. But I thought I understand. I thought it would be easy to live with it.

This is the first time I’m speaking of this. I’m always trying my hardest to think positive. I’ve expected 2010 to be a lot better than 2009, but it doesn’t seem so. Geng’s still on his hiatus, we’re not still sure of if Kangin’s suspension will be lifted this year, and Kibum’s still prioritizing his acting activities.

Sorry. I’m out of my mind. I just can’t help it, really. I need to just get it out of myself. I’m really longing to see them all thirteen on stage, performing again. I can’t understand how it feels. You know, it seems not like just for entertainment anymore.Seeing them together has turned into a necessity.

Because to me, they’re my symbol of hope. I know it’s senseless. I know it’s absurd, but as I continue to wait for the time when they stand complete again, I know I’m gonna be able to tell myself that I’m okay. I know I’ll be better. I know I’ll be at my best condition as I was.

Aissh. Where do these words come from? What do these ideas mean? I’m so ashamed of myself for having said these things because it feels like I’m questioning fate. I’m sorry. I really am.

Stress is really killing me. I feel like I’m wearing Salazar Slytherin‘s necklace and it’s possessing me.

I really need to see them all thirteen. No, I need to see them all fifteen.