Through Whatever

I may seem like an ultimate X Crew stan but truth is: There are still some times when I end the day thinking why I really love this group. Aside from the fact that they’re covering Super Junior and they appreciate me and my writings about them, I still wonder what is it really with them that convince me to be this devoted.

Honestly, I don’t know.

Well, not until Kuya Jerry put a clearer sense on everything.

Over a cup of mocha frap, X Crew’s Donghae managed to make me realize that it’s no longer because they’re covering SJ that is why I love their group. It is now because they are composed of Kuya Jerry, Atchie, Jhane, Jet, Ed, Ate Jen, Pipo, Majo, Charm and Kuya Marvin.

Yes, I love them now for who they are and no longer because of what they do…

And finally, I’m making much sense.

I cannot disclose to you whatever we talked about but I can say that those things I’ve learned about them are more than enough to make me continue believing on them.

This is why I can’t wait for the Dream Concert on the 29^th. It’s surely going to be fun as I’m no longer watching them as an anonymous fan. Call me assuming but this would be the first time that I can tell myself that I’m watching my friends perform. That’s the coolest thing ever…

And since it’s their last performance for the year (and I’m not sure when I’ll be seeing them again on stage, performing my favourite SJ songs), I am sure that this is going to be very, very special too.

I am so looking forward to it. Basing it from my own experience, I am pretty certain that the pressure is building up by now. Nevertheless, I’m sure they’re getting by just fine. After all, they’re X Crew.

I’ve talked to Jhane on Christmas Eve and I feel her worries over the outcome of the performance. Indeed, I was right with the thought that she’s pressured. But I told her that whatever happens, I will believe in X Crew like how I did when I first saw them.

Not like my words would ease her anxieties but I am sure that it would somehow be of help. I know it made a difference.

Because it’s the truth.

No matter what the outcome will be and no matter what others will think about them, I’ll be there – cheering, waving my banners high, being proud that I’ve managed to be friends the few of the most wonderful people in this very wonderful fandom, believing in the group like how I always did.

I know it’s gonna be daebak. Because we’re talking about their destiny.

See you all on the 29^th.

One Fateful Day

December 21, 2009 – one fateful day which changed the lives of so many Super Junior fan girls. This is the day nobody thought would ever come. Somebody gave up. Somebody longed to break off. Somebody left.

God knows how this day scarred my faith. He knows how much I bawled when I learned that Geng had decided to call it quits with the group. I thought he was just going to China for a vacation but he didn’t come back. Instead, what reached us all is a letter signed by an attorney stating the request of the Chinese prince to terminate his contract with SM Entertainment.

No warnings, no signs, no mercy.

But then I tried to understand. I swear I did. I listened to the two faces of the story and came up with the decision to support Hangeng no matter what. I was too occupied with the thought that I’m still an ELF and it is my duty to protect the interests of a Super Junior member even if it means he’s saying goodbye.

I let him go and I tell you, it was difficult. It was months after the declaration when I did so I can say that the decision to give him up was really well-thought of.

And now, it has been a year since this happened.

Honestly, I don’t know what to think of. The past year has been filled with uncertainties and heartbreaks. Statements have been released and no matter how hard I try to convince myself that I 13elieve, I am not sure if I can, anymore.

True, this is so unbecoming of an ELF. But sometimes, I have to give in to what I really feel. I love Hangeng so much that I still hope but the scar was too deep that I can no longer expect.

Maybe I’m really just thinking too much.

.

.

.

I just wish Geng is happy .

I’m Getting By

It has been a year since Geng left Super Junior and surprisingly, the lawsuit had been won and the prefix former- can now be included when we refer to him as a Super Junior member.

I was taken by surprise when I heard of the news. But I was much taken aback when I learned that SM Entertainment is planning to file an appeal to the court’s decision.

My first question was: IS IT REALLY WORTH IT?

People may be judging me right now. I can say that I’ve been a good defender of Hangeng when everyone I knew was bashing him because of what he did. I am confident to say that for the past year, I protected him with all my might despite all the uncertainties. I believed in him. I believed in their brotherhood.

But things change.

You see, it has been a year and it might seem very fast but it is long enough for a heart to mend. I guess that’s what happened. I was too wounded and the cut was too deep, I thought it wouldn’t heal anymore.

But it did, after a year.

Honestly, I have come to a point when I began asking, ‘do I still care?’ That is why when I heard of SM Entertainment’s plan to file an appeal, I shrugged off the expectations. For now, I don’t want to believe anymore.

After all, if it is Geng’s decision to leave, nothing can force him to come back – even a legal appeal.  That’s how he is ever since. If he wants something, he’ll do everything to make it real. That’s the reason why he travelled to South Korea with only a tourist visa. That is why he joined SM Entertainment even though he can’t understand Korean. That is why he was once a Super Junior member. That is why he left.

Don’t get me wrong. I love him so much and I’ll support him no matter what. But my heart’s too tired and my mind’s too overworked.

I need a short break from all these.

The Thin Line

I have to admit that sometimes, I forgot that there is this thin and unbreakable line between reality and fantasy. I get too indulged with my dreams and make-believes that I eventually forget that it could never happen.

And on times that I get lost with my imaginations, it is such a heartbreaking thing to realize that I am still a resident of reality and that I have to go back there.

This fandom really has its drawbacks; and it hurts.

I don’t really want to talk about it but this is the only way to get over the pain and frustrations. After all, this is the only option left for me. I am just a fan girl and that’s just how I’ll forever be.

This post really doesn’t make sense as all other posts are. I’m just ranting due to the fact that I’m annoyed with this feeling. My stubbornness can kill me, really. I’ve known for so long that there’s this thin line [and great distance] that separates me from Jungsoo but I keep on crossing it. And when I trip, I’ve got no one else to blame but myself.

Rrrrright.

I’m so funny, why don’t I just die?

I’m Now a Hyukjae-Biased. Thanks, Ed.

Okay, so this has nothing to do with Super Junior. But in a way, yes… Because I’m talking about X Crew.

I had dinner with them last Monday (December 20^th) in Makati. I met my sister, Lee, for the first time and I invited the members since she likes them too. Gladly, five of them came.

Seriously, Lee and I had a lot of fun with Kuya Jerry, Atchie, Jet, Pipo and Ed. We talked, laughed and spazzed over things like we’re the only people in the restaurant and it was really something I honestly didn’t expect.

There were lots of surprises that night. First, I wasn’t expecting Pipo, Ed and Jet to come since they don’t reply to my messages. Second, I didn’t anticipate that we would be that lively throughout the whole time that we were together. And last, it didn’t cross my mind that I’ll switch my top 1 bias in the group to Ed. LMAO.

Until now, I still laugh at the following jokes and funny moments that made up that night:

• -          KyuTeuk/Eunhae, with Atchie Ahjumma
• -          Danica’s calls and Jet’s hellos
• -          The conversations of Lee and Ed in Bisaya
• -          Jet’s context clues
• -          Lee’s notebook filled with Super Junior
• -          Pipo’s freaky way of asking
• -          Pipo’s “Hello Danica”
• -          The lost arm of Atchie’s pendant
• -          Lee’s level 11 English accent
• -          Bouncer Jet
• -          Kuya Jerry’s “free to five thousand”
• -          Bonamana carolling
• -          SPET = SPOT + JET, the past tense of SPIT and my stuffed toy’s new name
• -          Mango-flavored Melona
• -          Atchie’s Kimchi stew
• -          Ed’s samgyeopsal-eating challenge
• -           ‘WTF. Why am I smiling?’- Jet (while we were close to dying due to that bus ride)
• -          My 20-peso-bills stupidity

And the bests (Ed got us on this):

• -          Miroticking
• -          “Excuse me”

I would definitely fill up pages if I transcribe everything into words. Though I wouldn’t mind detailing everything here, I guess it’s better to keep it this way. What’s important, anyway, is that we were there, we had fun and I get to make Lee understand why I love these people so much.

Honestly, it was the best Christmas gift a fan could ever have. Though it may appear absurd to others, I felt like I was really dining with SJ members. Of course, you know this group’s effect on me and I tell you, it just keeps getting better and better each time.

I was able to see through them again. I was given a good view of their real personalities: Atchie’s quiet and sweet… or not. Kuya Jerry’s very friendly. Pipo’s scary. Jet’s a kid. Ed’s terribly funny. I was able to see things not all fans can see, and it made me feel flattered – so flattered that I wish the thin line separating idols from a fan will just vanish.

Nevertheless, this is too cliché but Jet’s right. Right now, I am thinking again of what I did to deserve this. The laughter from that night resounds through my head like it’s never-ending; and if only I can turn into words the gratitude, you all know I will.

That night shamed all the depression I felt. Indeed, I might not be in good terms with romance or riches, but when it comes to fandom and friends, I’m one of the luckiest.

Thank you, guys. I love you. ^_^

Fina-Lee

We’ve known each other since April 2010 but it has only been two days ago when we saw each other in person.

And I tell you, it was one of the most exciting ways to end this year.

Lee Arellano, owner of WeLoveYesung.

Now, I can’t help but be very grateful to the one who invented Twitter. If not for him, I wouldn’t have been able to know someone as cool and as sweet as Lee. If not for the internet, I wouldn’t have found a soul sister that I love so much.

Indeed, she is my soul sister. We share almost the same interests. We came from almost the same path. We even know a lot about each other like we grew up together. And we were together through the good times and bad.

Ah, it just feels great to finally hug her, you know.

Hey Lee, just in case I wasn’t able to say it that night… I love you. :)

Beginning to Hate 2011

Seeing this picture, I can’t help but hate the coming year this early.

I’m gonna miss this two guys, really.

Jungsoo mentioned that he might be entering the army by late 2011 or early 2012. Heenim said he’ll be enlisting after Super Show 3. I didn’t pay attention. I thought it will still be long before they join the military.

So when Heechul said he and Jungsoo will be entering the army next year, I was stunned. It made me lose my coherence. And as 2010 comes close to ending, I swear I don’t know what to feel and think anymore.

If only I can say ‘NOT NOW’. If only I can say ‘PLEASE DON’T GO.’, I will. But what can it do?

I have always dreaded this truth. I have always tried my best to understand why parting should happen. But I guess, I’ll never understand. I’m not a South Korean, in the first place.

The more I see the picture above, the more I start to hate the coming year even if it hasn’t begun yet. Not that I’m being selfish but it’s just that I’ve had enough with Yongwoon. I really can’t imagine Super Junior without these two…

The leader has always been the group’s strength and Heenim has always been his support. They’re two indispensable individuals who complete the group. They organize things. They give directions. They lead the way.

But they’ll be gone for two years.

(See, my coherence is very much affected.)

I don’t know. I just don’t want to think right now. I don’t want to hear anything as ‘army’ is such a sensitive thing for me. I’m sure I’ll get by anyway. It’s just that… I don’t know, yet, how.

Just When I Thought I’m Worth Nothing

I must have done something good in the past, or I must have been doing something nice. After all, I must have been a good person to deserve this…

The overwhelming feeling of being appreciated is like the greatest thing I have ever received since a long time. I know this is not how it should be and all these emotions may just be brought by too much assumptions I feed myself.

But then this is the real thing. And I can never be any more thankful.

Last night, I get to meet XCrew again, and I have proven that I have done something good in this life. Jhane introduced me to them and I honestly was surprised about their reactions, and all I could say was.. ‘I’m sorry.’

And mind you guys, I don’t have even the slightest idea why I apologized.

Exaggerated, you might think. But I am at lost for words when I’m serious with them. Put me to a picture-taking session and then the ‘I’m sorry’ will make sense because I’ll really take the chance and grab the opportunity.  LOL.

But yeah, I was trembling and my hands were so cold. I couldn’t even look at the eyes of the male members. I am only brave when writing, knowing me personally will make you think that it’s not really me who’s telling these things.

You know why? Because it is the people I appreciate the most which are in front of me.

Here’s one trivia: I liked XCREW not just because they are awesome SJ cosplayers, but also because they are awesome people. There is something so undeniable in this group. There is something I know I can never find in any other.

During the event yesterday, there were few groups who performed Super Junior’s songs. They were okay, they did it well. But I still prefer XCrew.

Because the truth is: they have this controlling power. They have this strong binding force which ties me to them. I know this sounds creepy but it’s just how things are.

Charisma and aura – these are the binding forces why I can’t look at any other groups than XCREW. It’s like seeing and talking to SJ exclusively. The feeling is so obvious, nobody can ever deny it.

More so, when Jhane and Ate Jen hugged me, I was like… ‘Is this really the reward of writing a blog?’ I still can’t believe that just because of that one simple entry, I’ll get to meet these wonderful people.

I know, I’m not making sense. And I pray that no XCREW member gets to read this because I wouldn’t know how I will face them afterwards, for sure. But I have to say these things to be able to sleep tonight.

…

Thank you, XCREW. My words will never be enough to compensate.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

A Fan Account

It took me a while to get this post done because it’s really very difficult to write about something I have no words for. I struggle for terms and ideas to come up with at least a decent entry so I can describe the fun I had that day.

But the gratitude is beyond words already and there are indeed some memories which are best kept in the heart. That is why as much as I would want to detail everything here, I just would not.

What is important, anyway, is that I met up with some members of X Crew last Saturday at the KPOP Convention 2 and it was so surreal that I couldn’t tell now if it really happened.

It was something I never thought I’ll experience. As a fan, it’s really very overwhelming to see them again on their normal personalities. But what’s more unbelievable is that I was with them for almost the whole time I was at the event.

And it was pure bonding.

We were at just one side, watching the show. They were dancing and singing, cheering and laughing. They were literally having fun.

Occasionally, I join in. But most of the time, I just stood at the back, hugging the sweet Jhane

and trying to tell myself that I am just a fan.

Because honestly, I felt like I’m not.

From the time I walked around the venue with Jet until the time I hugged them goodbye, it’s hard to convince myself that I have known them for just barely a month. They made me feel the sense of acceptance and made me realize that life knows how to make up to someone it has made fun of for so long.

Honestly, I feared the fact that I’m getting close to these people. I am afraid that when I get too comfortable with them, they might see something in me which may lead to their disappointments. I don’t want that to happen that is why as much as possible, I maintain this thin, strong line which separates me from them.

But that day, I realized that that line was ridiculous. That mindset was very unfair: to them because it might appear like I judged them that easily, and to me because I have initially deprived myself of the wondrous feeling of being their ‘friend’.

Indeed, I felt so much like a friend to them.

What made me feel more flattered is the fact that they have opened their world to me. I feel so welcomed and accepted. Imagine, I hear stories about how they started, of what they do, of how they think things are – straight from the members themselves. How awesome can that get?

But more than the information, the real blessing is the fact that I get to see them as who they really are. These people, being themselves, continue to surprise me like the first time I’ve been with them like this. It was worth the effort. It was worth the expenses. It was worth the dreaming.

As they said goodbye, Jhane and Jet asked me to come with them to MoA. Unfortunately, I can’t. I told them I still have to watch Jessica Soho; but the bigger reason is everything has been too overwhelming, I’m afraid that if I enjoy more, this stupid heart will literally fail me again. ^^~

Nevertheless, I wish I was with them, really. It could’ve been another memory to cherish and I could’ve been presented with more reasons to love this group – with or without their costumes on.

I love you, X Crew; and exaggerated as it may seem, thanks for continuously giving me reasons to continuously be proud of you. ^^~ From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

…

This entry's a REAL fail. Sorry. :'(

Jhane, FINALLY! HAHAHA