Thursday, March 13, 2014

There was one comic strip being shared on Twitter recently. It shows a little girl who entered a museum, introducing herself as a new member of a fandom. Another girl welcomed her and asked her politely to just go around and explore everything. And the little girl did, to her heart's content. When she realized that she had filled herself enough, she went back to the other girl and asked where the way out is. The older member just smiled and shook her head.

And immediately, we knew there's none.

It was a mere comic strip created for the entertainment of everyone who can relate. But at the end of the day, everything is based on reality, and the strip basically summarizes the reality of fangirling. And I tell you, I'm not different from that newcomer several years ago. I entered the fandom, thinking that it would only be a one-time thing and that I can always leave when everything gets too overwhelming; but I was told there's no exit.

But seven years after, I found it. Maybe it was a door to another fandom but at least I found the exit from here. That's why this blog lacked updates. That's why I spazzed less. I used 'maturity' as an excuse but the truth is, I've just grown tired of everything in here. I have convinced myself that I don't like Super Junior anymore, and that I've gotten over them finally.

It was relieving. My other bias groups haven't reached the status of SJ before in my heart so it was amusing how light everything is for me now. I don't feel the need to buy albums and merchandises. I don't feel the need to watch concerts and pay for thousands of pesos for tickets. I don't even feel the need to update myself of everything that's happening.

But I don't know why. And perhaps, I don't even want to know. Suddenly, I found myself sobbing ugly while watching Super Junior's MIRACLE. Heck, I didn't even know how I was led to this. I was watching videos of Lee Hongki and then suddenly, I'm on a journey down the memory lane.

I may have gotten out of the maze; but I miss them. My mind tells me it's okay and that I'm getting by; but you know? My heart hurts. And I'm not saying this just because I want you readers to sympathize. I'm saying this because it's the truth. I couldn't look at Geng and Kibum because no matter how much I diss those two, I miss them. Especially Geng. Especially HANGENG.

As I watch the video repeatedly, there are some thoughts running in my head:

Kahit pala anong layo ko,
Kahit ilang beses akong magsabing ayaw ko na...
Babalik at babalik din pala ako talaga.
Siguro, hindi kasing tindi ng dati.
Siguro, hindi kasing bigat ng nakaraan.
Pero mas totoo na yung pagmamahal na mararamdaman.
Corny, oo. Pero wala eh. Yun yung totoo.

Yun pala yung ibig sabihin ng pagiging ELF.
Yun pala yung ibig sabihin ng 'everlasting' sa pangalan ng fandom.

I used to tell people in the past that ELF means FOREVER, until I thought I ate up all my words because I couldn't stick with the group.

But now I realized that perhaps, it is indeed for forever. 

And i'm just so happy to have finally felt that.