Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Sorry, Leeteuk.


You know why I wasn’t able to write anything for the Angels’ Haven? It’s because I was too depressed to do so. Writing isn’t as easy as what you think. It’s not always that I get the drive and motivation to do so.
At the moment, I’m still not okay. I’m not that strong person anymore. Pain and pressure collided to bring me down, and I’m not winning. I am almost giving up. I’m almost getting insane.
But I realized, maybe it was just because I was too busy prioritizing things over myself. The kind of person that I am now was the one I’ve long forgotten. Prior to this, I am the strongest. I am the most happy-go-lucky girl.
Because during those times, Super Junior is my strength.
I should have known. I shouldn’t have allowed any interference. I shouldn’t have insisted. I shouldn’t have chosen reality over fantasy. I shouldn’t have paid attention to that one person who I thought could really be Super Junior’s counterpart to me.
I am guilty.
And I wish I could get to say sorry. I wish I could get to hug Jungsoo-oppa. I wish I could go back to what I used to be, way way before things aren’t still complicated.
I need to get back to myself. I need to get back to the world I live in, the Sapphire Blue World.
10 days more, Angel… 10 days more.

Friday, March 19, 2010

If You Feel Like You’ve Been Deserted…

People come and go. It’s just a matter of time before we learn and realize that we’ve been left, abandoned, deserted, fucked up… Then we get annoyed, angry, stressed, depressed.
Honestly, I don’t see the essence of it all anymore. Yes, I have seen it and it was a long time since I did.
You get what I mean?  Easy. Let me explain it all.
Nothing is constant. Everything changes. One moment, it’s there. The next thing you know, it has left you forever. It is stupid, I know. It is excruciating - especially when the person who leaves is a person whom you have entrusted your whole life to. The feeling sucks. It feels like heaven and hell collided and you’re stuck in between. You don’t know whether you’re burning or you’re freezing. Everything becomes ironic.
But everything is just in the state of mind. You made yourself believe that that person is your world, and when he’s gone, you go mad, believing that the world has forgotten you, that the world has abandoned you.
I don’t see the connection anymore. One person = one world? It’s never gonna be like that. It was never like that.
Everyone, here’s the key: What you believe is what happens. You believe that you are happy, then you will be. You believe that you’re not okay, then you wouldn’t be okay. It’s just a matter of how you control yourself, of how you manage your life and how dedicated you are to being the happy and strong person that you are.
I know it’s easier said than done but why can I do it? Well, I’m not coming clean nor am I comparing you to me. I know not what your problems are, but hey! They’re all JUST problems.
Again, people come and go. You just can’t force them to stay with you forever because everything changes. People has to move in order to adapt to these changes, and nobody should expect anybody to just be the same.
We all have the freedom to choose what we wanna do, to choose the path which we would like to take. We have chosen to dedicate our lives to certain people, in belief that they’re gonna do the same for us. But we have no power over their decisions. If their choice is to live life without us, included on it, we can’t do anything. It is their choice. It is their freedom.
Life has a give-and-take process. But there’s not only two people in this whole wide world. It’s survival in here. It’s competition. You can’t expect something to be liked by one person alone. And it’s inevitable to make choices.
I know it’s kinda hard to understand this but I’m hoping you’re getting my point. Every rule in this world is applicable to everyone; not just to you.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

I Love You, In Ways You Never Think Of.


Let me tell you two trivia:
First, I am a pessimist. Paranoia is my constant companion and it’s not leaving me. When I started The Angels’ Haven, I thought nobody would read whatever I’ll write. You see, I’m a writer yet I don’t believe people will appreciate my works. Randomness is my game and I know that instead of clearing things up, my words would just confuse people.
Yet, I want to be heard. This is the second trivia. I have the passion for writing, but I have the greater obsession to expressing my opinions. Yes, it might be a little selfish and self-centered but I became a writer because I want to change lives.
And through this blog, I am confident to say that I’ve practiced both.
Okay. I’m not bragging, or anything. Uh, I am merely finding the right and best words to express the overwhelming gratitude that I’m feeling right now.
Just today, I came across a cute, Japanese blog. I saw my name on several articles and I was so surprised to realize that she’s been telling the world that I have changed some of her beliefs, when it comes to Super Junior.
Ugggggh. Am I saying things right?
Xingible, it is a great pleasure to know that my articles change lives of so many people. I must admit, and with all humility, you are not the first person to have said those things. But just the same, I am more than thankful to God for giving me the chance to meet people like you.
You wrote in one your entries that I am the first person you fell in love with, without knowing me first. That moved me. Through those words, I was reminded that no matter what I do, and no matter how foolish and random I am, there are and there will always be people who will appreciate me.
And I don’t need to know them, personally.
Maybe that’s the lesson God has been wanting to teach me all along – that in this life, people have to trust on the unseen. Everything’s connected. There will always be this one, thin rope that binds our hearts together.
Also, I want to take this opportunity to take my other readers, who later become my friends… SarahRegeneDanicaMay, Pia, Clyde, Khenn, Irin, Monica, fracorshe, uhrella, immortalsoul123, and all other readers who constantly drop by this site to read and appreciate.
I may not be able to thank you all personally but I’m sure one day, we’ll meet. ^^
I love you, in ways you never think of.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

I’m Coming Back To You.

A picture conveys a powerful message, depending on how you look at it.
And this picture has just told me and reminded me that whatever I look like and whatever I do, there will always be people who will be ready to accept me as I am – with open arms, with great appreciation, with humble expectations.
I know it’s just a picture. The big thing is that it’s Donghae in there. It’s a Super Junior member.
I can’t help but cry a little. God has been very good to me since day one. Yeah, He had me going through intolerable and unexplainable pain but He never fails to remind me that those are merely challenges to make me stronger, to make me better. So that when the time comes that He let me cross paths with someone who deserves me, I’ll be perfect.
This picture knocked on me. This picture became God’s instrument in making me believe on myself again. He really knows who to use on me. He really knows who I won’t disregard. And He really knows how to convince me.
I just couldn’t be thankful enough. And I can’t wait for April 10. For they’ll be coming.My angels will be here. ♥

Sometimes, One Will Drift Back.

You have been waiting for me to come back, ahh~~~ Sometimes one will drift back…I love you all!!! Take good care of yourselves!!
I got this from tumblr. And I died. Thanks to fuckyeahhangeng for translating.
This morning, I woke up with a heavy heart. I felt so alone and I felt like nobody’s left. But when I saw Geng’s most recent pictures from that Sohu interview, when I saw him brightly smiling, I realized that I have been so problematic and so exaggerated about all these love problems.
Geng is going through something worse, yet he’s continuing to smile. Yet he’s being so happy. Because he knows that there are people who love him so much, and are waiting for him to come back.
The same thing goes with me. I have been lost and I know that there are people who are waiting for me to get back to myself so I can give them the joy I used to give when I was still okay.
“Sometimes, one will drift back…”
I think so too. And Geng, I won’t get tired. I’ll be waiting since that one person who will drift back becomes you.
And to those who love me and are waiting until I become okay, one will be drifting back soon. Just give me time. I’m gonna be okay, too. And then I’ll flash you the greatest smiles…
Like Geng’s.