Wednesday, October 27, 2010

The Truth About Fan Girls

Another SM baby, Jjong of SHINee, has showed his true feelings. He braved all the possibilities of bashing and hate from fans who think they own him. Same thing goes with his girlfriend, Shin Se Kyung.
What does this have to do with Super Junior?
After the revelation of Jonghyun’s relationship, people are expecting other SM artists to break it out in the open. And to my despair, they’re expecting it’s gonna be Park Jungsoo who’s next.


It’s not so much of a good joke, honestly. I’ve been affected when Donghee proposed to Nari and when Jjong (who is actually my bias next to Taem) was confirmed to have a girl. Those two guys made me tremble more for what lies ahead.
Then people on my dash started claiming that Jungsoo should be next. They even say that he should get married.
Really, I’m nervous. I’m so fucking nervous. I have seen how Jjong stans reacted. I have seen myself go out of focus for someone who isn’t even my top 1. I know myself. I know I wouldn’t be able to handle a Teuk-_____ issue anytime soon.
But then, when is soon?
Jungsoo is not getting any younger. I know that. He’s 28 and it’s about time that he settles already. You see, he has been tied up to this kind of life for so long and he really needs and outlet to balance things.
I know, he needs a girl.
Truth be told. It does fucking hurts. What pains more is that it can never be me. I believe, I have made this point clear already. No need to elaborate.
I’m left with no choice but to accept such heartbreaking truth. And just try to be happy for him. But will I be able to get through it?
That’s the question.
Let me tell you a story. I have this friend who I admire so much. She is a Jjong stan and she wasn’t on twitter when he learned of the issue. When I first read about it, she was my first thought, and she didn’t disappoint. LOL.
Nah, seriously, I admire her. She said she butthurts and she’s burning her house down, and she’s killing herself. She said she’s gonna be a hater and we’re afraid she might take it seriously and loathe on SHINee.
She said she’ll never be happy for Jjong and Se Kyung.
But look at her now, forever bitter but she’s getting on it.
Guys, it’s not overreacting. Should I be in her place and it is Jungsoo who was confirmed to be dating, I might just do worse. I might think of aborting all the connection I have with this fandom. I might even close this blog down.
Because you know what? Fangirling works like that. We fell for a person we know we knew, and who will never know us in return. As retweeted by a friend, it’s like this: You fell for someone so deep that you make your world revolve around him, then you’ll learn that he’s gotten somebody else.
The feeling of betrayal comes initially. Saying “it’s okay” and “it’s normal” would come from the nose and will never be meant. We will cry real tears, and we will hurt like no tomorrow. We’ll curse and we’ll vent our anger on the girl, and then we’ll lose focus on everything we need to do.
But one, why must we hate on the girl when it’s our biases who choose her? Second, why will we hurt on our bias when we promised that we’ll always protect his interests?


But at the end of the day, this is fangirling. And I am a fangirl.
This made me realize one thing…
I guess I’ll never be ready for the time when Jungsoo has to settle down. I can feel it’s soon since he’s about to enter the army in a year or two. I may not be happy for I’ll be bitter for some time but I can always tolerate the fact that he will forever be my bias… and nothing, EVEN MARRIAGE, can ever change that.
Lay out all the cards now, it’s about time that fandom is revolutionized.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Yet Another Crossroad

I’m being led to something. I know, and I believe, that my heart and mind is clashing again. Both are forcing me to make opposite decisions. But what should I do? I don’t know which a better advisor is.
Heart over mind. People tell me that I should obey whatever my heart desires, for it is the only thing that can see rightly. My heart knows my deepest desires, my greatest wishes. It feels.
Mind over heart. Others say that the reason why mind is placed in a higher place than our hearts because it is superior. It sees the situation. It acts practically and does not decide in a drastic manner, as the heart does. It thinks.
Heart or mind?
This is yet another crossroad. Well, a little similar to the pasts since it talks about the same topic. But this time, greater things are at stake. If I choose to obey my heart, I will get to fulfill my deepest desires and that would make me happy. But how can I do that if I’ve got no support? How can I fulfill my dreams if I didn’t prepare for it? If I choose my mind, what would become of me? How can I continue if I’m no longer happy? Sure thing, I’ll get to fulfill my dreams but how can I start taking the first step if I’ve got no motivations anymore?
That’s the problem. I AM TORN. I am torn between two things which I know is good for me. And I never thought that choosing between two good things will be equally difficult as choosing between two evils. Whichever. I have to keep holding on the only thing that’s keeping me sane.
I don’t know if I’m making sense. My stomach’s aching like crazy again and it’s just gonna be a few minutes more before I could leave this place. Maybe I’m disappointed. Maybe I’m just getting tired. Okay.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Comeback? COME BACK.

As I was lurking in Twitter, I saw the announcement of Super Junior M performing for a Chinese event. Boy, it excites me! Seeing them back is like an answered prayer – another miracle.
But despite the excitement, I have to admit that something does not feel so right. Something doesn’t seem to be in its place. It’s as if something missing. Then I thought, it’s not something. It’s actually someone – HANGENG.
I wonder how it feels. I wonder how Geng is right now. It’s quite impossible that he wouldn’t hear about the news of his group’s comeback (I will never put former on it). I want to know how he feels about this. Is he happy? Is he equally excited? Or is he indifferent?
Seriously, just a thought of Geng and the old SJ-M activates my tear glands. It has not been a secret that I miss Geng so much and that I so want him back, right? So yeah, it hurts to realize that my most loved Chinese group is coming back without their leader.
Does it hurt? Does Geng feels pain seeing SJ M in a better and brighter state, but incomplete? Does Geng, himself, hopes as well that they get to perform together again, like how they used to do before?
It must hurt a lot. It must make the Chinese prince so nostalgic. It should, because it actually does… to me.
Yes. I wish I could express into words the way I feel right now. I must admit that I’ve gotten used to seeing Geng without Super Junior and that I have let him go already. But I never thought that seeing SJ M without him would be another history.
Probably because he’s the leader.
Now, I’m left with the question: Who’ll be the next SJ M leader? Who will hold the mic for Henry when the maknae plays the violing while singing? Who will whisper the Korean translations of Mandarin words to Hae’s ears when he can’t understand what the MCs are saying? Who will cover Kyuhyun when he’s eating the lunch of a variety show’s host? Who will dance the buttdance and all other cute dances with Ryeowook? And finally, who will be the one person to cuddle Siwon for fanservice?
At the moment, I’m tearing up. I remembered when Siwon and Geng guested in a Chinese variety show. Siwon gave a message to Geng which made them both cry so much. I wish to see it again. But when? All I have in my mind right now is the question: Where is the Geng who Siwon wishes to never give up?
I wonder who will replace Geng, but I want to believe that no one will. Really. Not that I don’t believe on the ability of others but as much as possible, I don’t want them to get a new leader. They can exist without one anyway.
I wish they reserve that place for Geng… Just in case he decides to come back.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

I’ll Do It.

Just tonight, I was talking with an unnie about her SS2 experiences. She was actually one of the few who got to stalk Super Junior when they first went to Manila. She was at the airport, at the hotel when they checked in, outside Araneta during the rehearsals, at the presscon, and at the hotel again when the boys checked out. She got to see the boys the way we, other fans, weren’t able to.
Lucky? More than that. PERSISTENT.
I admire her. I honestly admire her. She might not believe me if I tell her this personally but yeah, I admire her. You see, I thought of doing what she did too, before. But I didn’t. Financial matters. But I know I could have done it. However, for some, awkward reasons, I didn’t.
But she did.
The determination, the passion – I see in her the true essence of being an ELF. It’s like she made true whatever I want to do. It was her who actually made me realize more how great it is to be part of the wonderful Sapphire Blue World.
Now that SS3 Manila is fast approaching, I am telling myself and I swear that whatever I failed to do before, I’ll do this time.
Even though it means taking a one-week leave from work, stalking the boys, enjoying and falling in love more with the boys.
And I hope it’s just okay for that unnie that I do that with her. :)
Others may think that this is crazy because I will just definitely exhaust myself. But you guys know what? Super Junior has been travelling to different countries almost everyday of their lives. Do we hear anything from them? They sacrifice, they get tired, they get exhausted. Do they say anything bad?
No. Because they love us.
That’s why I’ll share with their sacrifices. With the unnie I’ve been looking up to. And I’m sure it’s gonna be one hell of an experience – a wonderful, unforgettable experience. After all, there’s nothing to lose.
And then I will go home saying and feeling contented that at least, I did it.

Fulfilled Dreams are my Miracles

So I’ve got many things to do. I’ve got LOTS of dreams to fulfill. So many that I don’t even know if I have the guts to make it all come true, or will it stay as just DREAMS as how many of the previous ones have turned into.
It’s kinda harassing on my part whenever I think of my failed plans. I have lots of frustrations, you know. I have committed lots of stupidities in my life and I have no idea how to make it all right.
But you know what I know? I can always start something better.
Because of my past, I have learned that organization and right priorities are just the secrets to a fulfilled dream. I realized that visualizing things the way you want them all to be is the primary thing that I must do so that a miracle could happen.
Oh, I have mentioned miracles again. So here enters my randomness.
Miracles. They’re my fulfilled dreams. Got my point?
Okay. So miracles, basically, are things you don’t expect to happen, yet it do. Miracles are mysteries unearthed. And I believe that those are my dreams.
You see, everytime I realize that I have made one dream come true, I feel so accomplished. I feel so awesome because never in my wildest and weirdest dreams have I ever thought that I could actually make something come true out of this stupid life. I know, I’m being random again. But your mind is too, that’s why I know you understand.
Now that I have finally discovered the secret, let me tell you one thing. I’m planning a lot of plans. :) Really. I’m designing my future, and obviously, that includes Super Junior on it.
I have told you about my dreams, right? In the post entitled NOT GETTING ANY YOUNGER? Yeah, I did. I told you already about my plans of coming to Davao and going to Seoul for Jungsoo ^^
You know what? I’m making it all happen. I swear I’ll make it all happen.
To hell with the hindrances and obstruction, I’ll build a constellation of dreams and find the miracle in each of it. ^^
And when the time comes that I get to finish all those things, I’ll rest in tranquility and joy…
And you’ll never have to deal with my randomness again. :)

Saturday, October 16, 2010

What Can Fan Projects Do?

If you notice recently, I’ve been tweeting and telling PhELF a lot about the fan projects to be done during SS3 Manila. There may be some people – for instance, my officemates – who got annoyed that they would want to ask why the hell am I doing it, and what’s all those projects are for.
You know why?
Because as I have said, fan projects are the only things we can do to give back to the joy they’ve been giving us since day one. It’s the only way we can let them know that we do appreciate their sacrifices, and that we are most willing to share it with them.
I know fan projects could be a hassle to our watching of the concert. Instead of enjoying everything by ourselves, we have to think of what to do next for each performance.
But you know what? It’s worth it. It’s definitely worth it.
I remember what a friend shared to me. She said, a Korean ELF once told her:


That got me moved. We were in the bus when she told me those words and I swear, I feel like crying.
I kinda felt guilty afterwards, and to ease it away, I swore I’ll help in making the fan projects in SS3 Manila successful.
Honestly, cheering and clapping could be enough to let them realize that PhELF exists. But we have to understand that if we participate on fan projects and we made it successful, we’ll be able to let them know more than just admiration.
Doing fan projects will make them understand that we love them so much that we’ll be doing our own forms of sacrifices for them.
Fanchants, lightsticks, flash mobs, banners, towels, etc. – these things may cost us a lot (effort, time and money). But as I’ve said, it’s gonna be worth it. Because there’s no greater feeling that seeing the boys cry for joy because of what we do.
During SS2 Manila, I know the boys are somehow disappointed that we weren’t able to fill Araneta. But then we have our excuse then, the boys aren’t so known in the Philippines yet.
But now that they’re number 1 in the country, I know we’ll be able to do better this time. We’ll fill the coliseum again with Sapphire Blue, and we’ll make the projects successful because for us to give back to them, it’s the only thing we can ever do.
For those who are joining the projects, I have it under the Super Show 3: MANILA page. :) I hope we’ll all be able to participate. :) It’s easy to navigate. Please enjoy yourselves :)

SS3 MANILA: We’ll Make It Through.

You guys have heard about the issue of sponsorship in SS3 Manila right? Well, for those who haven’t yet. There is a major problem that PULP Live Productions is facing right now.
Sponsors don’t believe in the power of Philippine ELF. They think that nobody would dare watch a concert with Korean singers because we won’t be able to understand the language they’ll use. They probably think that we aren’t a good market for their products.
Outright insulting. Not because they question our intelligence and ability to fill Araneta. But because they question our dedication towards Super Junior. Because they question the fame of the boys.
But then, you know what guys? I can’t blame them. This is business for them. Doubts will always be doubts that’s why haters exist. It’s just so sad that things like these have to happen.
I don’t want to think like it’s the end of the world for me. But I have to consider some facts. Having organized several major events for UE Caloocan, I must admit the fear of not being able to see them again for SS3.
Because you see, sponsors are the lifeblood of a production. Unless the event is organized and funded by a multi-millionaire who would definitely risk money over something without an assurance of success.
I know and I believe that SS3 will be a success considering that I know the world I’m in. I know my people. During SS2, we managed to make them see how great the Sapphire Blue World is. It’s just that some people – sponsors – don’t believe.
I guess, this is the time when Super Junior needs us the most. This is the time when we have to exert double effort in making them known. This is the time when we have to cooperate with each other, and unite as one. Enough of the issues, enough of the whining.
We have to make them see the power of ELF.
It’s yet another call for us. It’s yet another mountain to climb. But we aren’t giving up, right? Because Super Junior will never give up on us.

Friday, October 15, 2010

For They Could Sometimes be Synonymous to the Three-Letter-Word.

First and foremost, never have I thought that I’ll be writing something about what I’m about to write now. If you’re a minor, DON’T CONTINUE READING. I don’t want to get blamed for something manifested in all of you. Because honestly, I never thought I’d be able to really put my thoughts into words for a blog which readers’ ages I don’t really know.
Second, I know that I’ll be speaking again for people who wouldn’t admit that they’re like this as well. Let just one person express the thoughts of many. If I won’t be able to get the words straight from your mouths, forgive me. I guess it’s because we differ in one thing: IMAGINATION.
Okay. Primarily, I have to make clear that I am still a virgin and I’m proud of that. But I have to admit that though I still am one, I feel like I’m not whenever I hear the Super Junior member’s voices . SERIOUSLY. Especially DONGHAE’s.
Yeah. EARGASMS as it is in the Tumblr dictionary. I always have that. Sometimes, I get so addicted that I really hear UNFs. Go to urbandictionary to know what that word is. Yeah. I know, that’s so pervert but whoever doesn’t feel that way is… i don’t even know what to call you.
Probably, this is just because I’ve been reading too much smut fan fiction stories. Stories stating Sungmin is a slut and Jongwoon is a sex god. Same thing with Kyuhyun and Ryewook. Geez. I don’t know if I’m actually making sense with this. I’m trying to squeeze my mind for metaphors and euphemisms just so I wouldn’t sound so stupid and pervert. But anything I say will surely result to that.
Obviously, it’s not their bodies that drive me insane. Though Mimi’s and Sungmin’s will always be exceptions. Nevertheless, I guess muscles will never be my fetish. On my tumblr account, I may seem like I’m so into it but honestly, compare it to the sexiness of their muffled voices coming out from my headphones. It’s… irresistible.
Imagination plays a great function as well, I think. I started with creative writing. I am a Communication Arts students. A right brainer. That explains why I always have a picture in my mind – something not for kids, something very obscene.
Whenever I hear them sing (ESPECIALLY RAP), there’s a rumbling inside of me. It’s not so good to think about, really. Because once I pay attention, it’ll be too difficult not to think about it anymore. Sometimes, it becomes visible in my dreams. OMG. Yeah. But for the record, I have never dreamed of doing it with any of them.
No, I’m not a maniac or whatever. It’s just that there are times when I have to entertain such thoughts. You see, I am still human and this is one inevitable part of one’s existence. It may just seem like it’s quite stupid of me to think like this, especially that I am a woman. But, to hell with culture and conservative traditions. I am not coming clean here.
Random, yeah? Well. I guess it should be. Everything is random when you’re at it. I have never experienced it myself but friends who did say so. Well, with Eunhae’s I WANNA LOVE YOU as my background, I guess yeah, SJ could sometimes means SEX.