This morning, I was so overwhelmed by the news saying that the boys will be having a one-week vacation from everything. Some are going to Italy while one is coming to the U.S.
Very dreamy. Very real. It feels great to realize that amidst the release of Wookie and Beige’s MV, SHINee’s MV Teaser and BEAST’s MV, the fact that the boys I love will be taking a break from everything topped everything else.
Simple it is, the joy of my boys will always comes first.
I should be really happy but now, I feel intense guilt.
Because the trip, the vacation – it was supposed to be a secret. It was supposed to be private. It was supposed to be just among them and the company.
But I spazzed like crazy about it. But I retweeted most tweets about it. I reblogged posts on tumblr. And I talked to people about something that shouldn’t be spilled.
Getting their secret revealed is not actually a big issue to me. It is the fact that I have failed to protect their interests and privacy which hurts me the most. I got too excited that I didn’t realize that Super Junior is known worldwide. It’s not like they can roam around the streets of Europe and America without being noticed.
And being noticed means everything’s gonna know about it. And everybody knowing about it means NO VACATION AT ALL.
They need time to be themselves. They need all the rest they can get to get back to what they really are, to how they really are. And only A REAL VACATION can give that.
Aish. Right now, I just want to say sorry, especially to Jungsoo and Hyukjae. I just want to let them know how it pains me that they were pissed off. I just want to tell them that next time, I’ll be more sensitive.
One more hour and life will begin. I can’t wait. Today has been very slow. To think that this season of equinox is supposed to give us longer nights. Aish.
Longer hours of doing what I want to do. That is what I exactly need. Longer hours of being happy. There’s so much I want to do, so many places I need to go to. There are so many dreams in my head waiting to be fulfilled.
But you know what makes things difficult than how it really is?
I am imprisoned in a responsibility which I was never ready for. I was forced to face something I have been dreading all my life.
Sometimes, I can’t help but be envious with my friends. You see, most of them are working too but they are in the field which we’ve studied four years for. Also, they get to work for themselves. They always get the choice on what to do with what they earn.
Unlike me. Definitely unlike me.
BUT DON’T GET ME WRONG.
IF IT’S FOR MY FAMILY, I WOULD NEVER COMPLAIN.
It’s just that, maybe, all these depression is because of the issues about the tickets for Super Show 3 Manila. Maybe I’m getting frustrated by just thinking about thePOSSIBILITY that all tickets we want are now reserved and we’ve been ‘fooled’ and given false hopes that we can actually sit at the best areas today.
If it’s the truth, FUCK THAT.
Because I didn’t go through anything easy just to earn and save money.
To hell with all the distances I walked, to hell with the snacks I refused to eat, to hell with the things I should’ve bought but chose not to, to hell with not being able to go out with friends, to hell with the guilt that I couldn’t even buy my mom the simplest of a birthday gift, to hell with the fact that I didn’t get to experience an after-grad vacation because I had to work immediately…
To hell with all the efforts exerted just to save at least NINE THOUSAND PESOSfor a ticket while being a means of survival for my family.
Being poor didn’t and could never stop me from seeing my lifelines. But this, if real,is just too insulting.
Why is that sad look in your eyes
Why are you crying?
Tell me now
Tell me why you’re feelin’ this way
I hate to see you so down, oh baby!
I wonder why things have to be complicated. I wonder why I have to hurt. The sadness cannot be hidden. I cannot deny the fact that I’m in pain. If only I could have someone to talk to… No. If only I could face the truth that I am also vulnerable… and that I need to talk to someone.
Is it your heart that’s breakin’ all in pieces
Makin’ you cry
And makin’ you feel blue
Is there anythin’ that I can do
Is it really my heart that is breaking? or is it my faith that I cannot hold intact. Is there anything anybody can do? Well. Yeah. There is something one can do. There is always something people can do for me. Because I’m no Super Girl. I need all the help I can get from others. I need all the assistance. I need all the love and support and care.
Because I need to have the things I cannot give myself.
Why don’t you tell me where it hurts now, baby
And I’ll do my best to make it better
Yes, I’ll do my best to make those tears all go away
Just tell me where it hurts
Now, tell me
And I love you with a love so tender
Oh and if you let me stay
I’ll love all of the hurt away
How can I ever say where it hurts? How can I ever know? Things are getting blurry each day I wake up and no matter how hard I try to clear my mind from things which hurt me, the pain stills stays. It does not leave. It clings to me like I deserve it for the rest of my life.
I have no idea where it hurts. And if ever I do, I don’t have an idea whom to tell it to.
Where are all those tears coming from
Why are they falling?
somebody, somebody, somebody left your heart in the cold
You just need somebody to hold on, baby
These tears… These invisible tears. I feel so stupid for not knowing where it’s coming from. The random thoughts this post contains, I have no idea how I managed to write this all up. I AM HURTING. And that is all everybody has to know.
I really just need somebody to hold on to. But I’ve been asking for mercy since day one but no one bothered to reach out for my extended arms.
This is crazy. I totally have no idea what is happening with myself.
Give me a chance
To put back all the pieces
Take hold of your heart
Make it just like new
There’s so many things that I can do
Chance? How do we define chance? A second opportunity? A comeback? A rise from a fall? Chances are not for me. I have been trying to prove myself for the longest time… not to other people, but to myself. Yeah, I’m battling with the person inside of me. I’m fighting with the person that never seems to give up.
How can I make it new? How can I start again? It’s not like life’s gonna change when I press the reset.
THIS IS RANDOM.
I need a little break from all of these.
Connection with the song? I need someone to sing me this. I need someone to ask where I’m hurting.
I need someone to tell me to get a grip off everything.
I wasn’t able to post something for Jongwoon and Kibum on their birthdays on August but nevertheless..
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHIN DONG HEE!!!
I just want to thank you for not giving up on Super Junior. That despite all the criticisms you receive from haters because of your appearance, you continue to be the best visual and the best dancer and the most huggable member in the group.
Yes. Though I love Hyukjae, I have to say that YOU ARE THE BEST DANCER.And for the rest of my life, I’ll look up to you as an example… that being a good dancer does not depend on the built of one’s body ^^
And Donghee-oppa, on your birthday, I wish you to be happy. Though I am not so ready yet to see a Super Junior member walking down the aisle and exchanging ‘I dos’ with a bride, I’ll be more than willing to cheer and smile for you when you decide to tie the knot with her. ^^
I’ll support you forever, oppa. Because YOU ARE AN INDISPENSABLE PART OF SUPER JUNIOR.
Without you, the boys will never be themselves. ^^
Yesterday morning, I was tweeting when I learned of a new surprise. Something which made me jump off my feet. Good thing I was alone in the office when I knew about it or my officemates might have thought that I AM GETTING CRAZY.
But anyway, I WAS CRAZY THEN. Until now.
Because out of nowhere, without any signs, Super Junior released a BRAND NEW SONG. Well, not for an album, but an OST for a movie which features DBSK’s Yunho. ^_^
It was one hell of a beauty. It is so sweet and spazz-worthy. For the whole day, it got me smiling and hysterical. The melody is so flattering like the boys are really singing it for you. Kyuhyun, Ryeowook, Sungmin and Donghae nailed it right and boy, it got me on my knees when I heard Hyukjae rap.
The message is so honest. It’s a confession. It’s a very sweet confession. I couldn’t understand much of it but thank God because the parts I was able to translate gave me a good idea of what the song really is.
But you know what made me even crazier?
My name is in the title. ANGEL.
When I shared this story to my officemates, they laughed at me and accused me of being exaggerated and over-acting. They said it’s not like they know me and the song is dedicated for me. I got them annoyed and they didn’t talk to me much for the rest of that day.
But I’m okay.
You know what, it’s not because I think it’s for me that I love the song so much. It’s the feeling of being so special that of all the terms, it’s ANGEL that has been chosen to be the title of a very beautiful song. It’s the feeling of once again seeing a connection between me and my most loved group.
Although Jungsoo isn’t part of it, I can’t be any happier. Angel is the title of the song, and who doesn’t know who the angel is? Figuratively, he’s still there. I’m sure that in a way or another, we share the same excitement over our names being there.
Yes. Angel is my name. And I couldn’t be any more grateful to my parents for having baptized with it. I am very thankful that I have learned to appreciate my name more.
After all, it’s how I am known to people I love, and how I will be known to others who will definitely be a part of who I am going to be. ^_^