Coming Close to the Beginning of an And

I feel so superficial. After a long time of neglecting this site, here I am again, writing about something so sensitive - one thing which I have long dreaded to talk about. While many think that it's absurd of me to do this since I tagged myself as a disloyal fan, I will still go on with what I want to say about Park Jungsu's enlistment.

I've always said that I will never be ready for the time when Jungsu has to enlist. I feared the day that we have to say farewell temporarily to the person who I have loved for so long. This is because I hated separations. I hate having to say goodbye.

But everything is inevitable. I have always known that sooner of later, Jungsu would have to leave for service. I would have to face the fact that I'm not gonna see him with the group for two years, especially since I have the inkling that he will enlist as a soldier. Much to my despair, news about the issue began to spread and I had no other choice but to avoid the pain. So my system had to resort to its ultimate defense: DISTANCE.

I decided to distance myself from Jungsu and the rest of Super Junior. That's how I found the other groups which I stanned. You see, I needed distractions because the pain was eating me up. Putting it simply, I decided to say goodbye before they do. 

To those wondering, it wasn't an easy decision. Park Jungsu is a huge part of my life for so many years and I would never forget just how much help his inspiration had provided me. I may look like I'm over him totally, but why would I deny the fact that I'm not? Even if I want to get away from this man for real, I just can't. I really can't.

That is why when I learned he was fixing his enlistment date already, I felt divided. A part of me wanted to go back but the other half prevailed. I actually pushed him away more.

Ridiculous, right? I thought I would end up really out of his shadow; but I woke up one day only to find out that the road I took actually led to him too. 

By pushing him away, I got to see things from an ordinary fan's perspective. That's when I realized that there is no point on getting depressed over his enlistment because two years fly fast. More so, why should I cry and mull over something that I should have or had always expected to happen? Was there a need to contradict destiny? Could we even do that, to begin with?

Two years is two years,  know. I can totally understand that it hurts to be away from someone you've gotten used to always be there. It sucks to wait. 

But is this how Jungsu wants us all to be?

Perhaps, yes; but I think that what he needs more is the assurance that we will still be here when he comes back. He had always feared that he'll be forgotten while he's in the army, so I wanted to focus on that aspect, than to mope around because he's leaving. Like how he always say: It's not an end. It's an and.

On October 30, he's gonna enlist (FINALLY). It's finally the start of his 2-year journey as an ordinary Korean. I honestly don't know what to feel at the moment. But if I have to name one emotion. I'll choose the fact that I FEEL PROUD.

Serving the army constitutes a lot of courage and valor; and I just feel happy that Jungsu chose to be a soldier despite his injuries. I feel proud that he's finally ready to face this course of his destiny. Fear might still be overwhelming but I trust his convictions enough to know that he's gonna go through it perfectly.

I still can't tell though if I would want to hear news or see pictures of his enlistment. I know I've been through this with Kangin and Heechul, but you see, Jungsu is different. He is Leeteuk, after all. 

*sigh*

Jungsu had always stayed strong. And I guess I want to do the same for him.

I'm keeping my promise. I'm sticking with you. I've gone back home just in time before you leave. I'm not letting go. 

I will wait for you.