It's 1:00 AM. I have work in 8 hours and I know that I have to sleep. But somehow, my thoughts wouldn't really let me rest. In spite of the few days that I've been trying to stay away from anything that would remind me of the inevitable possibility, I go back to it at the end of each day.
Yeah, the fear that the time of separation is coming near overwhelms me. I've been trying to shake it off by indulging on other groups and disorienting myself from anything that has to something with Jungsu but I think, there's really no way out; and I am left with the fact that I'm probably just counting months before he officially enlists.
People who are not into the fandom would call me crazy and completely delusional; but I am the type of person who was never fascinated with goodbye. I have experienced a lot of it to claim that I never want to experience it again. I can't bear it if people I love leaves...
Especially when that person changed me.
I have learned to live life, depending on this fandom for happiness. I have managed to survive a one-sided and impossible love for the past three years. I have become someone I've always wanted to be because of an admiration which 'ordinary' people think is crazy. I have devoted half of my life to him, not to love me back, but to somehow just compensate with all the beautiful things he have endowed me with.
It will never be easy to let go. I would never find it easy to do so. Even if it's just two years, even if I know he's coming back - it will be just too difficult to handle. Though I know I'll carry on, I just couldn't imagine it happening.
Excuse me for being so random and emotional. I just have to let it all out again.