Friday, December 9, 2011

Continuously Fearing. I Can't Imagine.

It's 1:00 AM. I have work in 8 hours and I know that I have to sleep. But somehow, my thoughts wouldn't really let me rest. In spite of the few days that I've been trying to stay away from anything that would remind me of the inevitable possibility, I go back to it at the end of each day.

Yeah, the fear that the time of separation is coming near overwhelms me. I've been trying to shake it off by indulging on other groups and disorienting myself from anything that has to something with Jungsu but I think, there's really no way out; and I am left with the fact that I'm probably just counting months before he officially enlists.

People who are not into the fandom would call me crazy and completely delusional; but I am the type of person who was never fascinated with goodbye. I have experienced a lot of it to claim that I never want to experience it again. I can't bear it if people I love leaves...

Especially when that person changed me.

I have learned to live life, depending on this fandom for happiness. I have managed to survive a one-sided and impossible love for the past three years. I have become someone I've always wanted to be because of an admiration which 'ordinary' people think is crazy. I have devoted half of my life to him, not to love me back, but to somehow just compensate with all the beautiful things he have endowed me with.

It will never be easy to let go. I would never find it easy to do so. Even if it's just two years, even if I know he's coming back - it will be just too difficult to handle. Though I know I'll carry on, I just couldn't imagine it happening.

Excuse me for being so random and emotional. I just have to let it all out again.


  1. It's okay hun. You aren't crazy. Since before Mr. Simple even dropped I have been trying to find someway to convince myself or make myself let him go. But the more I try, the more I end up clinging onto him, Super Junior and my ELF family. I don't know who or what I would be without his strength... I try to connect it to so many other things but the fact of the matter is that he makes me smile everyday, he continually makes me a better person and pushes me to be who I am. Looking at the black hole that is two years ahead of us, I get scared but then I try to think of everything he has done for ELF, for Super Junior, for this world...his strength is the most beautiful thing on this earth. The strength that we have gotten from him will always remain. We are fortunate to see him everyday and get updates but the strength he gave us is more than that. It is in our hearts, it has changed us and made us who we are. The love and compassion he has shown us Angels and all ELF is so strong that even in the dark time of his goodbye, we will endure. Our love will endure and we will only continue to be better people, and when he returns, we will get to show him how his strength has continued to make us better in his absence. I dread the day as well... the tears are overwhelming and I try to keep the thoughts away but stay strong hun. Our love and admiration will only grow deeper. Hwaiting! fellow Angel. His heart will be with you and so will the rest of us Angels and ELF.

  2. @장미 It's feels good to know that someone actually understands me. First and foremost, thank you very much. Your words are very much comforting that somehow, it made me feel assured that I'll never be alone in this kind of fear. You know, knowing someone fears like you makes you stronger. Am I making sense? lol

    Actually, I fear for Jungsu as well. Stanning him for the past years, I know that he doesn't really like goodbyes at all. I don't know. I just don't want him to feel the same depression we, as fans, would feel. Must be because I'd rather see myself suffering than see him in pain?

    Aish. I've said so much. But thank you, really. Thanks a lot.


What do you think?