Sunday, March 27, 2011

Depressing Frustration.

It doesn’t seem so but people have to know that I am really not okay. I have a stubborn fever. My heart is, as usual, betraying me each fucking minute. And my head has been throbbing for three consecutive days already. Fever must be brought by the weather. This headache must have been brought by the stupid accident two months ago. And my heart, oh you know what happened to my heart already.

To cut the story short, I am not okay.
But I can’t fucking complain.
Coz right now, I think I’m being silently disowned by my parents. For like how many times already, I’ve been told that I’m useless and worthless. Sometimes, they even regret having me for a child. LOL. That’s drama but I’ve heard it from them before. It doesn’t seem so? Well, now the door to the dark secrets of my personality is opened.
I don’t want to take it seriously. I know they are not serious whenever they say that. But sometimes, I can’t help but think… what if they are? Hahaha!
The thought gets me depressed each fucking time it crosses my mind. You see, it’s not easy to feel unappreciated especially by your own family. My haters would probably be rejoicing right now because their families aren’t like mine. Well, I really hope it wouldn’t happen to them. Coz it fucking hurts.
Now, I just want to be in SM Megamall. XCrew will be there, some of my friends will be there. I was supposed to go there with my bestfriend for the first time and she said she’s treating me with the entrance fee. But I can’t.
Coz my mom is sick and no one would take care of the chores here. My dad’s here but he wouldn’t talk to me because I am a no-good daughter in his eyes. My brother, I don’t know why he wouldn’t take any responsibility here.
You see, I’ve got many things to do… for the people I love, but would always make me feel unfair.
LOL ANGST. I am just not okay. I wish they would also realize that I am not okay.

X Crew.
I miss them a lot. I have made a promise that I’m coming there today. I promised to watch them.
But I can’t.
I know it wouldn’t really matter to them if I am there or not. There’s a lot of other fans there and my presence would not really mean a thing. But the fact that I need to get out from this depression makes it a necessity for me to see them perform again. I want to talk with them, take pictures, play pranks, and have fun.
But again, I can’t. And it makes me more frustrated to realize that I have missed my final chance to see them perform live again.
Because after this, I don’t know anymore where I’m heading to.

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