Saturday, November 20, 2010

In the Fear of Getting Lost…

I woke up in the morning with a heavy heart… literally heavy. My chest has been hurting since last night, I don’t know why.
What makes me feel a lot more confused is the dream I had. I barely had an idea for what that dream was for but I seriously don’t know if I’ll like it or not.
It got me sooooo confused.
So in my dream, me and some friends were having an overnight at my place. We were in my room and there were like 5 or 6 of us inside. I was lying in my bed to sleep when I realized that the other girls were on the floor while someone is beside me…
someone I don’t understand why it has to be him who’s there.
Feeling normal in my dream, I decided to turn my back against the boy to sleep. Then when I turned upright, he hugged me.
And I know that wasn’t an ordinary hug. I felt the warm even though it’s just a dream. I honestly thought it’s real. I felt the weight of his arms on my body and as I was going to slumber, I was pushed to the end of the bed and fell.
Then it’s another story which involves me walking without shoes and holding an umbrella.
This isn’t fair and I hate that dream.
Let me tell you one thing: I always have been suppressing my feelings for that person who hugged me since the day we met. And just when I thought that I’m getting over it, this dream came up and I was led to a brand new world of confusion and fucked-up reality.
And then let me tell you another:
Walking without shoes signifies my inferiority and lack of self-esteem. CHECK.
An umbrella means I’ve turned my safety on and I’m trying to avoid the feelings I have for someone. CHECK.
And being hugged symbolizes my desire for affection and love from someone. CHECK.
As you can see, my dreams told me the things I’ve been trying to deny since day one.
And I fear of getting lost again.
I am on the right track. I know I’m there. I’m happy with my life even though something’s missing. I’m okay with this set-up. I’m free and I’m independent.
I don’t want to have feelings for someone I know will never reciprocate.

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