It’s not new to me whenever I get humiliated and outcasted for my type of music. Even when I was still in high school, I will always get scolded by people telling me loving the music which lyrics I can barely understand is insanity. But I laugh it all off, no matter how offensive things get. Really. Because if I try to think about it, there’s something that I have which they will never find:
The joy of being a fangirl.
Whenever I fangirl over my KPOP idols, all the bad things are eased away. My world revolves around my idols and myself only and I feel invincible. Like nothing could hurt me. I feel safe whenever I am on my fangirl self. Yes, it is my escape and it’s something not everyone has.
During my fangirling moments, I also feel contented. It’s like I am in a perfect world. Though I can just see them on my screen, on photobooks, or in my fantasies, I feel like I need nothing else. Life turns complete when with them on my own little dimension – with or without buying the merch.
Also, in fangirling, I can be myself. I can be selfish or giving, reserved or perverted, loud or quiet. I can act like a kid despite my age without anybody questioning me. I can be nice or rude to friends and antis, respectively. Further, I get comfortable with who I am – something which reality can barely lead me to. Because yes, in fangirling, I seldom get judged.
Lastly, fangirling gives me a different kind of assurance. It makes me feel secured and certain that at the end of each day, there are people who can remind me that life is beautiful and the sun can shine amid the darkness. It’s like having someone to smile to me when I’m home; someone to cheer me up when I’m done for; someone to love me as who I really am.
Yes, fangirling could be synonymous to illusion. But there is too much reality in this, as well. I am here because I want to be here; and no harsh words and indirect bullying from people can make me leave.